Page 5 of Adultery

I agree. Easily deceived, I think: Who knows, maybe he does have something of importance to tell me, some state secret that will change the politics of the country and make the editor look at me with new eyes.

He goes over to the door, locks it, then comes back and kisses me. I return his kiss, because it's been a long time. Jacob, whom I may have once loved, is now a family man, married to a professor. And I am a family woman, married to a man who, though he inherited his wealth, is extremely hardworking.

I consider pushing him away and saying that we're not kids anymore, but I'm enjoying it. Not only did I discover a new Japanese restaurant, I'm having a bit of illicit fun as well. I've managed to break the rules and the world hasn't caved in on me. I haven't felt this happy in a long time.

I feel better and better, braver, freer. Then I do something I've dreamed of doing since I was in school.

Kneeling down, I unzip his fly and wrap my mouth around his penis. He grabs my hair and controls the rhythm of my head. He comes in less than a minute.

"God, that was good."

I say nothing. The fact is that it was far better for me than for him, since he came so quickly.

SIN is followed by a fear of being caught.

On the way to the office, I buy a toothbrush and some toothpaste. Every half an hour or so, I go to the toilet to check that there's nothing on my face or on my Versace shirt, intricately embroidered and perfect for hiding stains. I observe my work colleagues out of the corner of my eye, but no one has noticed (or at least none of the women, who have a special radar for these things).

Why did that happen? It was as if someone else had taken over and propelled me into a situation that was purely mechanical and non-erotic. Did I want to prove to Jacob that I'm independent, free, my own woman? Did I do that in order to impress him or in an attempt to escape what my girlfriend called "hell"?

Everything will continue as before. I'm not at any crossroads. I know where I'm going and hope that, with the passing of the years, I'll manage to change my family's ways so that we don't end up thinking there's anything special about washing the car. The really big changes happen over time, and time is something of which I have plenty.

At least I hope so.

When I get home, I try to look neither happy nor sad. The children notice at once.

"You're acting funny today, Mom."

I feel like saying: Yes, I did something I shouldn't have done and yet I don't feel the tiniest bit guilty, just afraid of being found out.

My husband gets home and, as usual, he kisses me, asks what kind of day I've had and what we're having for supper. I give him the usual answers. If he doesn't notice anything different about the routine, he won't suspect that today I gave oral sex to a politician.

Which, it should be said, gave me no physical pleasure at all. But now I'm mad with desire, needing a man, needing to be kissed, and needing to feel the pain and pleasu

re of a body on top of mine.

When we go up to bed, I realize that I'm terribly aroused. I can't wait to make love with my husband, but I must keep calm; if I'm too eager, he'll suspect something is wrong.

After I shower, I lie down beside him, take the tablet he's reading from his hands and put it on the bedside table. I begin stroking his chest, and he immediately becomes aroused. We make love as we haven't done in a long time. When I moan a little too loudly, he asks me to keep the noise down so as not to wake the children, but I tell him I don't want to, that I want to be able to express my feelings.

I have multiple orgasms. God, I love this man! We end up sweaty and exhausted, and so I decide to take another shower. He comes in with me and playfully turns the showerhead on my clit. I ask him to stop, saying I'm too tired, that we need to sleep and he'll just get me all excited again.

While we're drying each other off, I suggest going to a nightclub sometime--another attempt to change my routine at all costs. I think it's then that he suspects something has changed.

"Tomorrow?"

I can't tomorrow, I have my yoga class.

"Since you've brought it up, can I ask a direct question?"

My heart stops. He goes on:

"Why exactly do you go to yoga classes? You're such a calm, well-balanced person, and a woman who knows what she wants. Aren't you wasting your time?"

My heart starts beating again. I don't answer. I simply smile and stroke his face.

I collapse onto the bed, close my eyes, and, before I fall asleep, think: I must be having the kind of crisis that comes after ten years of marriage. It'll pass.

Not everyone needs to feel happy all the time. Besides, no one can be happy all the time. I need to learn to deal with the reality of life.

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