Page 67 of For Lila, Forever

He’s all gung-ho about this now, but what if months pass and he’s tired of flying across the country? Tired of spending his weekends in Summerton, where people drive around the square for fun on Friday nights and hang out in the parking lot of the Target after it closes.

Summerton has been a wonderful place to raise MJ, but Summerton isn’t his style, his vibe, or his speed, and no amount of exciting relationship newness will change that.

“I’m not her anymore, Thayer,” I say. “I’m not the girl you fell in love with. I’m what happened to that girl after life kicked her when she was down. I stood back up, but I’m not the same.”

“You know what I see when I look at you?” His full lips rub together. “I see a strong woman who has held herself together with a string and a paperclip, survived insurmountable loss, spread herself thin as the glue of her family, and raised a beautiful, thriving child on top of it all. If that doesn’t make you the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what does.”

“You and your words,” I say with a bittersweet smile.

The waitress stops by with a check, and when she leaves, he places a ten on the table. My gaze is fixed to his tattoos, and I wish I could ask him about them, but the question would seem out of place.

Some other time.

“So what do you say?” he asks, and I think of his trademark persistence.

“You should probably take me home. I’d like to get back in time to tuck MJ in. It’s her third night in a new place, and I—”

“—you don’t have to explain,” he says. “I’ll take you back.”

We slide out of our seats and he follows me outside.

The ride back is uncomfortably quiet, but it doesn’t seem appropriate to make small talk.

“We’re staying across the street.” I point to Ms. Beauchamp’s split level when we reach Bayberry Lane.

Thayer pulls into her driveway. “We should probably exchange numbers.”

“Right.” I take my phone from my bag and we switch, me programming mine into his enormous and pristine iPhone X and him programming his into my scratched iPhone 5. “Here you go.”

We trade again.

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” he says. “I only came here to make things right. To apologize for being such an ass to you when I didn’t have all the facts.”

I laugh under my breath. “You couldn’t be an ass if you tried.”

“Maybe reserve your judgement until you get to know the real me,” he says. “I can be a dick when I need to be. Or when I think my cousin knocked up my girlfriend and didn’t tell me for ten years …”

“To be fair, had that been the case, your reaction would’ve been completely justified.”

He laughs.

“Thanks for coming all this way just for this,” I say before drawing in a deep breath. “Get a hold of me when you get back and we’ll talk about visitation.” I glance down into my lap, my fingers practically knitting a sweater. “As far as the other thing … I’m dealing with a lot right now. I need to find a job and a place for MJ and I to live. And I need to figure out how I’m going to pay for Grandpa’s nursing home. I have nothing to offer you, Thayer. I’m so sorry.”

“Still as pessimistic, I see.”

“You’ll be happy to know that our daughter inherited your eternal optimism.”

“I’d say the Ainsworth genes are strong, but she looks like a dark-haired version of you.”

“I know, right?”

“She’s beautiful, Lila,” he says. “I can’t wait to get to know her.”

“You’re going to love her.”

“Already do.” He glances away, gaze fixed straight ahead at the emblem on his steering wheel, like he’s lost in thought.

I wish things could be different. I wish that with my whole heart. But my entire life, the other shoe has always fallen and I can’t handle that happening with him another time.

“Goodbye, Thayer. Have a safe flight back.” I climb out of the car and close the door with a soft click. He rolls the passenger window down, like he’s not ready to let me go yet. “We’ll figure out everything with MJ soon, but right now … this is a lot for me to take in and I’ve got a lot on my plate, so if you could give me some space …”

“Goodbye, Lila.”

I back away and stand in the driveway, arms hugging my sides as his headlights illuminate the garage behind me. A moment later, his black SUV disappears into the dark night.

For the better part of a decade I’ve loved, missed, lost, and feared. I’ve fallen apart and put myself back together. I’ve laughed and cried and everything in between.

I head inside Ms. Beauchamp’s house, emotionally exhausted and wondering if I had just made the biggest mistake of my life.

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