Page 31 of My First Mistake
I siton the sofa with my head in my hands, not knowing how my day got so fucked up so quickly. Well, except for the fact that I almost screwed Hayley when my dick was still covered in Addie’s cum. I can’t even recall the conversation with Hayley that immediately followed, except that she left and we’re done. So, there’s that.
Freddie, who obviously did not leave with Hayley, but who is even less welcome here, flops onto the sofa beside me and starts rolling himself a joint. “Saw Hayley leaving town. She looked pretty upset.”
“Yeah.” I don’t feel like discussing anything with him. The only person in the entire world I want to talk to hates my guts, and I can’t blame her.
“You’re a fucking asshole letting Hayley Steinbeck go, you know that. She is hot as fucking hell.”
She’s colder than ice compared to Addie’s warmth and fire. “Yeah, well you go date her then.”
He snorts, oblivious to my annoyance or my heartbreak. “So, where the fuck were you last night, man?”
“Out.”
“Yeah. With who?”
I should tell him to get the fuck out of my house but I’m not sure I have the energy to argue with him. “Nobody you need to concern yourself about.”
He’s quiet for a few minutes and then he bursts out laughing. “You banged that chick, right? Your best buddy’s sister?”
This seems to amuse him to the point of hysteria and he doubles over.
Rage burns hot and fierce in my chest. “What the fuck is so funny, Freddie?”
“Just imagining your buddy’s face when I tell him you defiled his baby sister.”
What the fuck? I should knock his goddamn teeth out. “I didn’tdefileher, and why the fuck would you tell him that?”
He shrugs. “Why wouldn’t I? Unless she meant nothing to you and then we can go back to LA and get out of this shithole.”
I swallow down the anger and hurt. The truth is, I do want to get out of Juniper Ridge, but only because the sole reason I’m back here is to spend Christmas with the Kinsellas. And that’s clearly a place I’ll no longer be welcome. I can’t bear to have to look my best friend in the eye and tell him how I betrayed his sister and broke her fucking heart. So, I tell Freddie what he wants to hear. “Of course it meant nothing.” The words cut me open, but I force them out anyway.
“You sure about that?” he goads me.
I’m sure I want to end this fucking conversation. “Yes, I’m fucking sure, Freddie. She was desperate for a hookup and I threw her a bone. We can catch the next flight back to LA. Now fucking drop it. Okay!”
He gives me a shit-eating grin and it creeps me the fuck out. I need to drop him too.
I lean back against the couch and close my eyes. I cannot believe I just told him that and now it adds to the giant knot of guilt and regret and shame sitting right in the pit of my stomach.The look on Addie’s face when she saw me with Hayley will haunt me for the rest of my days. I had the best girl in the entire world and I let her slip through my fingers. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Maybe Addie was right. My mom would be ashamed of me. What exactly am I doing with my life?
Chapter 17
Chase
# Don’t pick open old wounds and expect them not to bleed
If I ever had a heart, then it belonged to Addison Kinsella, and she just eviscerated it. No, actually she didn’t. I eviscerated it myself eight years ago.
I recall that day so vividly. The guilt of what I did with Hayley. The pain on Addie’s face when she caught us in my bed. Standing in the freezing rain, watching her literally run from me. I’d never felt so thoroughly shit about myself before or since—until now anyway. Because after Hayley left, I made it one hundred times fucking worse, and my only solace was that Addie hadn’t heard those awful things I said. I can recall Freddie’s smug face and how I wanted to punch him. I should have. Maybe then I wouldn’t have told him the worst lie I’ve ever told anyone. The words that I know must have broken Addie’s heart.
Addie takes a deep breath, tears shining in her hazel eyes. “I heard you tell your buddy Freddie that what we did meantnothing to you. How I wasdesperatefor someone to hook up with and so youthrew me a bone.”
Her words—or rather mine, from her mouth, lance through my heart, sharper than a shard of glass. I’d had no fucking idea she’d heard that…and if I had, I would have begged for her forgiveness a long time ago.
I’m too stunned, too full of shame, too overwhelmed to speak.
She wraps the blanket around herself and stares into the fire. Protecting herself from me and from that memory that still obviously causes her so much pain. Of course it fucking does. It pains me more than I can bear, so I can’t begin to imagine how much hearing me tell someone our first time together meant nothing must have hurt. It felt so very fucking wrong to say those words about her, and had I known she heard them…What would I have done? The truth is, I have no fucking idea. I was too messed up to deal with anything, and I was nowhere near a good enough man for her. It’s still no excuse though.
