Page 182 of Dawn of Chaos and Fury
Theon froze at the words.
Her hands were in her wet hair before either of them could stop her, and she pushed away from Luka as her power lashed out. Not at them, but just…
Theon watched as it coiled and writhed, snapping out before back in. It wound around her, then released her. Then it sprang back, moving up her torso to her own throat as if to?—
“Tessa!” Theon barked, his darkness lurching for her chaos. Because it was lashing out ather. A reflection of her emotions she was trying so godsdamn hard to avoid. Her own self-loathing and guilt over her past— both things in and out of her control.
His magic did what he wanted it to, distracting her chaos. Luka must have recognized it too because his black flames were there, drawing her power away from her. They wouldn’t allow her power to consume her rather than face this. Face herself.
“Did you get to talk to him before he died?” Luka asked, his tone bordering on harsh.
“Stop!”she snarled once more, taking a step back from them.
And what a sight this must be. The two of them with towels around their waists. Tessa naked, having pushed away from Luka’s warmth, staring them down in the steam-filled bathroom with her fingers pulling on her hair. That madness lurked, trying to pull her under, while they did everything they could to keep her here with them.
“Brecken’s death is not on you, Tessa,” Theon said. She opened her mouth to argue, but he went on before she could. “There are more contributing factors than just you. The same was true for Auryon and Pen.”
“But you said?—”
“I know what I said,” he interjected. “I was losing control, and you…” He swallowed, shoving a hand through his wet hair. “You were the easiest person for me to lash out against. But this? Tessa, you didn’t even invite him. Blackheart did.”
“And his own actions contributed too,” Luka said, his tone softening. “Hewasa traitor to the cause he was sent here for. He got caught. That is not your fault, Tessa.”
She shook her head, two tears slowly making their way down her cheeks. “He was… He told me truths when no one else would.”
They were silent, letting her get her words out.
“He helped me figure out my true purpose. That I could decide what that was.” She swiped at her cheeks angrily. “In a realm of villains, he wasn’t one of them in the end.”
“He knew the risks of his actions,” Theon said gently.
“I’m the reason he was caught,” she snapped, that anger returning.
“Give him some credit, Tessa,” Luka said sharply. “He sacrificed for something he believed in. His death wasn’t wasted. He saved innocent people. He was part of a revolution in Devram before we even realized there was going to be one. He helped start it. Don’t do him the dishonor of cheapening his sacrifice.”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” she said suddenly, turning to leave the bathroom.
But Theon’s power was faster, snapping the door shut before she’d even taken three steps. She whirled, the fury back, and the gold bands on her wrists flaring with it.
“You have to feel it, Tessa,” he said.
“No, Theon. I don’t,” she retorted.
He only gave her a small, sad smile while Luka leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms.
Gods, he wanted to go to her and pull her into him. Take this from her. Protect her from herself, because that was what he’d always tried to do for everyone in his life. Craving control to keep those he loved safe, but he couldn’t protect her from this. He couldn’t take the pain or the guilt or the grief.
Neither he nor Luka dared to move yet, too afraid it would make her stop talking. Stopfeelingeverything she needed to face.
“We’ll be here for it, Tessa,” Luka said. “You’re not alone anymore.”
“It’s easier to be angry,” Theon added. “At me. At Dexter. At Rordan. The gods. The Fates.” He paused before saying, “At yourself. That’s easier than feeling the pain of a loss. You can busy yourself. You can let your power punish you. You can drink or fuck to try to drown it out, but eventually, it’s going to consume you,” he said again. “Eventually, it turns you into someone no one recognizes. Someone you swore you’d never be. Someone you were trying everything in your power not to become.”
She swallowed thickly, finally pulling her hands from her hair, only to clutch them at her chest. Her power was still drifting, entranced by theirs.
And all that was left was for her to feel.
Shaking her head, more tears fell. “It hurts,” she whispered. “I’m so tired of hurting. Of trying to be what I need to be, only to fail in the end.”
