Page 51 of Red Zone Realizations
“Yes,” I say, unthinking. It’s not even a question. I will do anything to give Audrey the life she wants.
“Do you see having children as core to your life’s purpose?” She looks at me over the thick rim of her statement glasses.
“No. How could I when I’ve barely thought about it?” I can’t believe I’ve been living my life assuming something of that magnitude would just be taken care of for me. What kind of selfish asshole am I? No wonder Audrey didn’t want to say anything.
“I know we’ve spent a lot of time talking about how to deal with the lifestyle and routine of football, but do you ever think about life after?” she asks.
“Not until this last weekend. I just was living in the moment, I guess.”
“That’s great, but sometimes we do have to look ahead tomake sure we’re prepared. The longer you’re in the league, the more sure you need to be of what comes next.”
“I understand,” I say and Nina gives me a second to think. “In a way, I can still let a woman influence what we do. Since it’s not that important to me and I was planning on having kids if they wanted. I just happened to meet someone who doesn’t want that.”
“I have a couple other questions, but we’re running out of time for today, so I’ll email them to you and you can do some journal reflection before our next session. I’ll also include the title of a book I think you should read. It might be easier to think about what you want when you’re in your own space.”
“Thanks, Nina. I think you’re right. I just need some time.” We both stand and I hand Nina her check for this session. She doesn’t take insurance, so it’s pricey, but well worth it.
I drive home robotically.What do I want?Am I good for Audrey? Why haven’t I considered this before now? Has football been too much of a distraction in my life? What else have I been letting slide in favor of my career? If I did want kids, what does that look like when I travel at least nine weeks a year? I could wait until I’m done with the game to start a family, but what if I’m blessed with a long career? They won’t see their dad six months of the year. Is that even fair? What if I get really hurt and I’m physically unable to care for them?
How did I overlook something so important? So life changing? It’s a relief to walk into my bedroom, put on my workout clothes, and grab my gym bag. I have too much thinking going on and I need to quiet it with exercise. After I settle my mind and tire out my body, then I can come home and sit with the questions Nina sent.
I just hope that the answers lead me to a life with Audrey.
Chapter Twenty-Four
AUDREY
I wake up at six thirty, the sun barely lighting the sky, and my mind immediately starts racing.
Emails to return, meetings to schedule, Excel sheets to balance… I choke down the anxiety and get up to start work. There’s no point in worrying, it just has to get done. If I take too long to get started, my mind will wander to Noah and the fact that it’s been radio silence.
Luckily, I have piles of work to throw myself into. Often with no lunch break because I get too focused and forget to eat. If I’m not working, I’m not making any money. I’m sure there’s a personal revelation in there somewhere, but today isn’t the day for that.
Since I’ve mentally prepared myself to never hear from him again, I’m surprised when I see his name light up my phone.
Noah
I’m sorry for clamming up on Saturday. I just needed to take a little time to think.
Is he thinking about the best way to let me down easily?The best way to fire me? I steel myself immediately. Whatever he’s thinking, there’s about a sixty percent chance he’s going to decide he does want kids, and tell me whatever is going on between us is over. I should be glad, right? I swore off men months ago, so this won’t be any different.
I decide it’s best to not give away too much so I just text back “Okay.” Better play it close to the chest. If he’s going to stop this insane campaign to win me over, it’s smart to start ripping the bandage off now. By the time he sends the we-need-to-talk text, I’ll only have a tiny bit left to rip.
Days go by like this.
I walk around in a haze of average.
My lattes taste just okay.
My savasana at the end of the sixty-minute powerful flow jam class doesn’t hit as hard. My center is off. I can’t find my balance in any tree or eagle poses.
Women are more educated and more successful than we’ve ever been before. We are dominating higher education attendance. There are very few things that our grandmothers couldn’t do for themselves that women today still can’t.
Except get a free, safe, legal abortion. Don’t even get me started on that. I do not have time in my schedule today to lament about the loss of my rights, whether I wanted to have children or not.
Even my passion for the women’s freedom movement seems further away now than it usually is. The feminist rage inside me is something that’s always been there. Some people are driven by money or status, but for as long as I can remember, back to teenage me, I have been driven by the rage of being born a woman. Of having these expectations set upon me just because of the organs I was born with.
I shake my head. This tangent has gone on too long. It’s distracting me from what needs to be done.
