Page 56 of Vile Emotion
Ricky doesn’t like to sleep with his door shut. There was nothing traumatic that happened to him with it but he just doesn’t like for the door to close all the way.
“That’s cool, come on, little man.”
Ricky runs and climbs into my bed snuggling under the duvet and sheets. He sighs when he settles into my arm with his head on my chest. There are no words exchanged as I listen to him breathing, thinking about how I used to stay up at night worried sick that he wasn’t breathing. The feeling of being terrified that I’d lose him has never completely left me but there are moments, slight little rips of time that cause my heart to hiccupat the thought that I would lose my mind without him, he’s my everything.
“You’re sleeping with shoes and a suit in bed?” he asks with a higher tone toward the end of his sentence.
This causes me to chuckle.
“I should’ve changed but something happened to me and I had to take time to think about things.”
He nods.
“Was it about Juli?”
It feels like my heart dropped one loud ass beat in my ear before returning to silent beats after that.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you are staring at her picture up there.”
“I’m just looking up at the ceiling, smarty pants.”
“Noooo, I saw you a buncha times. You look at Juli a lotta.” When Ricky is sleepy, he loses all sense of speaking correctly. It's always been so funny to me and just like every time, it puts a smile on my face.
“It’s a lot.”
“whatsa lot?”
“The words you’re pronouncing, sweetheart but that’s fine, no need for an English lesson right now, it’s sleep time.”
Ricky doesn’t say anything else and as I shut my eyes, he speaks again.
“I think Juli’s beautiful too, daddy.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. She smells nice and she’s not mean to me. She don’t speak a whole lotta but I can tell she watches to make sure nothing happens to me plus I know a secret that you think I don’t knoooooooow…” he sing-songs like he usually does in the morning.
“What’s that?”
He scoots up and leans to my ear cupping his mouth to whisper it as if anyone else in the room will hear.
“I saw you on tv, you kissed her so I know you like heeeeeeer.”
There isn’t a single thing for me to do but damage control.
“No, it wasn’t what you think.”
Ricky leans into the side of my face daring me to face him but I won’t. He’s a lot like me. After a moment, he takes a breath knowing he can’t break me, he goes back to cuddling in my arm and lays his head down on my chest again.
Ricky yawns and settles but he speaks before he knocks out.
“S’okay, daddy,” he says with a shrug. “I like her too. She makes you smile.”
The room is silent including me and after some time, I answer him.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
