Page 32 of Vile Emotion
“Know what?”
“That you saved her when you put her behind bars for five years.”
My laughter is bitter. “What? Saved?”
“The accident wasn’t going to be the reason she lost Ricky, Ric. The kit made that evident. He forced himself on her and unleashed a series of events. We punished the wrong person.”
“And you knew this?”
“She isn’t innocent but I also thought she was safer there so I had my mouth shut. I was also mad she took my fucking sister but now… fuck, Ric, you’re raising her son.”
“I’m raising my son, Cas and I won’t remind you of that shit again.”
“Fine, Ric, fine.” He hangs up but it doesn’t take my anger away.
My eyes stay on Juliana as she moves about.
Cassius says I kept her safe in jail… but did I? Even if that wasn’t my intention?
And that bastard raped her? His woman? The woman he wanted to be with? What kind of sick, twisted motherfucker does that?
Juliana may not be someone I care about but I don’t like fucking rapists even more. Edwin is going to reap what he sowed, he deserves it.
23
Alaric hasn’t said a single word to me ever since I told him what happened to me with Edwin. I don’t know what to think of it.
When I finally clock out, Alaric is there waiting in the car but he still doesn’t talk. The drive back to the motel is silent and not comfortable. A quiet Alaric gives me pause and makes me anxious but since he’s still silent, I don’t pipe up to say anything either.
Slowly but surely, we get where we’re staying and we head in. Alaric still hasn’t talked, I’d like to say that I would have liked this version of him more because it meant he wouldn’t be threatening me left and right.
I don’t sit and compare Alaric and Edwin because I don’t see myself with Alaric. Outside of his viper-like tongue when it spews words, he is handsome but only when he’s quiet. Like now, any other time, there’s no thought process about it.
There’s a nerve that he strikes in me that makes me want to continually say something back even if I know it’ll lead me in more danger and murky waters when it comes to Alaric Crowne.
It’s nothing compared to how he claims he owns me. I don’t care about that since all I can think about is how I’ve takenthree lives when it could’ve simply been my own in exchange for his wife and child. I would never wish for anyone to lose their spouse like that, even Edwin if he were a nice person.
I’m not delusional as to say deep down Edwin has a good heart, no. Maybe at first I could’ve thought that but after what he put me through, there wasn’t a chance.
The removal of his clothes nudges me out of my thoughts. Alaric is naked as the day he was born, my eyes blink profusely as I try to register what he’s doing.
My eyes scan over him quickly picking up things I didn’t care to pick up this morning. This isn’t a lust filled moment or anything, it’s just an observation.
My eyes notice that he has a tattoo on his left arm. It is a small tattoo of a rose. It makes me wonder why he has it. The rose reminds me of the one the beast had. He depended so much on it because it was his lifeline. But there was always that whisper of lies going around the mansion. He was lying to himself that he couldn’t beat the last petal. That he couldn’t be selfless or change in some way. In his own way. That he wouldn’t be a representation of how he truly saw himself inside.
He behaved like a beast when he was human instead of remembering the things that made him human… he only remembered that much later. Was it too late? Is it too late for me?
Whispers and self whisperings too can be so deceiving. They are like little lies that we tell ourselves. We either comfort ourselves, or we hurt. But either way, they aren’t always accurate.
I remember when I was a child, I would tell myself little whispers to help me fall asleep. I would tell myself that I was the most special and important person in the world like my dad used to tell me. That he and my mother loved me and I was perfectjust the way I was. And for a while, those whispers worked. I would drift off to sleep feeling happy and content.
But as I got older, I realized that those whispers weren’t always true and I don’t know what changed it. What the catalyst was that made me feel what I thought when I was younger was a fairytale. Just dreams to lull myself to sleep.
Those words didn’t stop. They continued especially with Edwin… he always told me that I was not always the most special and important person in the world. That people did not always love me. And that I was not perfect but I was perfect in his eyes, I was important in his eyes and that made me feel special again.
Now, lately, I’ve been catching myself whispering little lies to myself from time to time. But I’m trying my best to be aware of them. I try to catch myself when I do it, and question why I am telling myself this lie. Is it to make myself feel better in that particular moment? Or is it because I truly believe it?
Just like with Edwin, I was going to follow him outside. Check on him and tell myself that I was facing him head-on. Telling him that I was strong and a survivor despite what he did to me and what he put me through but that wasn’t it, was it?
