Page 1 of If You Go
15 years ago
I twirl pasta on my fork, sliding it over my lips and letting the rich, creamy sauce melt across my tongue. Across from me, Gavin grins the way he always does when I’m enjoying myself, the sharp lines of his suit catching in the candlelight. Just a blazer and button-up, slacks and polished shoes—nothing extravagant, but he always looks like he’s in control of the room.
I smooth the soft grey fabric of my dress against my lap, the black lace catching faint glimmers in the low light. My long, bleach-blonde hair, curled loose to mid-back, brushesmy shoulders whenever I lean forward. A touch of smoky shadow frames my green eyes, and the glass of red wine in my hand deepens the effect. I wanted to look beautiful for him, and judging by the way his gaze lingers, I’ve succeeded.
And as I sit there across from him now, I can’t help reminiscing on the first time we met. That dinner wasn’t really by chance at all—not that I knew it then. Our fathers had arranged it, Gavin had known, and I had been the only one in the dark. I thought I was stumbling into something spontaneous, a happy accident with a man who seemed to see me instantly. Gavin’s smile that night, the way he kissed my hand, the easy laugh that made me feel like I was the only woman in the room—I’d believed it was the beginning of a love story only seen in the movies.
Nearly a year later, back at this same Italian place, sitting across from him again, it still feels like that to me. It all comes to the forefront of my mind as if it was yesterday.
My father had insisted I come to one of his tedious “business dinners” at a private club in Seattle. I remember whining about it the whole drive, convinced it would be another evening of boring men in suits, talking numbers and tactics I didn’t understand. Papa was the head of some insanely large security company, covering most of the US.
Instead, Gavin was there. Tall, handsome, with that easy smile that made me feel seen the second he turned it on me. Our fathers introduced us casually, like they hadn’t been plotting it all along.
“Gavin Kelly,” his father said, clapping a heavy hand on his son’s shoulder. “One of the best men we’ve got, Stephan. You’ll like him.”
I thought it was odd, the way my dad’s eyes lingered on me before he nodded, like something unspoken passed between him and Gavin’s father. But then Gavin reached for my hand and leaned in, kissed the back of it like some kind of old-world gentleman, and all my doubts melted.
We barely heard the others after that. Gavin asked about my favorite books, my favorite music, my dreams for the future including how many kids I wanted, and what my dream job was. He made me laugh until my cheeks hurt. He didn’t feel like one of my dad’s colleagues son’s—he felt like someone who wanted me, not just what I could offer him with my riches.
By the end of the night, I was giddy, dizzy with the idea that fate had brought us together.
Coming back to the present when Gavin asked the waiter for the check, this had been such a romantic evening. After dinner, Gavin took my hand, and instead of leading me back to where we parked the car, we began walking along the shoreline until we came to a cozy little beach side venue that had a large outdoor space facing the water.
As we ascended the stairs, I could see that my parents and my sister were there along with my best friend in the whole world Alisha. She and I have known each other since we were five years old. They all are watching me with excitedexpressions on their faces, causing me to be just a tad bit suspicious. Okay, a lot suspicious. Soft music wrapped around the space that I could just barely hear, it sounded like maybe a classical rendition of a Sleep Token song, which happens to be my absolute favorite.
Then it happened.
He got down on one knee. I couldn’t breath, I didn’t expect this at all. “Surry, from the moment you walked into my life, I knew you were the one who could make everything fall into place for me. You make me feel like the happiest man alive, and I want that feeling forever. Your kindness, your love, the way you make me feel like I belong–it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Please, do me the honor of wearing my ring and becoming my wife. Together, we’ll be unstoppable. Will you marry me?”
I just stare at him. I couldn’t breathe. My ears rang with the waves and the soft music and my own heartbeat. This was everything I’d dreamed of. And yet, somewhere in my gut, something twisted.
This man has been my safe space for the past year.I hadn’t thought he would propose so soon, but looking up I see my mother, sister, and Alisha all wearing shit eating grins that hadn’t faded since the moment I walked up. I look to my dad, and while he doesn’t look happy, he also doesn’t look angry. His cuff links caught the light–gold knots, old-world heavy. I’d seen blood on those cuffs once, but chalked it up to an incident at one of his security holdings or something.
I take that predatory calm he always possesses as approval, and then go ahead to follow this man that I love into our future. I am shocked, but I know I will look back to this being the happiest day of my life. So I really only have one thing left to do as the sound returns to my hears, and the cool air brushes my exposed skin.
“YES!” I nearly scream at him, hardly able to contain my excitement but the nerves are definitely taking over. My words come out faster and faster as I continue to speak.“I will marry you, Gavin!” The words tumble out of me in a breathless laugh, my chest tight with nerves but overflowing with joy. My hands are shaking, though I try tohide it by pressing them against his, clutching like he’s the only thing tethering me to the earth. My heart hammers so fast I wonder if he can hear it, but all I see is his face is his smile, his eyes that seem to burn into me, like I’m the only thing that matters.
“I love you so much,” I whisper, the truth breaking out of me in a rush, unpolished and raw. “I’m nervous—God, I’m terrified—but not about you. Never about you. About everything else. About being enough. About not messing this up. Because you’re…” I swallow, the words catching in my throat before I force them out. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. You make me feel safe, and alive, and like maybe I’m worth something after all. And I’m so excited, Gavin. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. To build something together, to wake up every morning knowing you’re mine.”
I laugh again, half-teary, half-disbelieving, clutching his hand tighter. “So yes. Yes, a thousand times yes. I want forever with you.”
He gives me his usual dazzling smile, and grabs my left hand, sliding a ring onto my third finger, but I don’t look at it quite yet. He stands and grabs me around the waist and neck roughly, bending me backwards and kissing me deeply. It isn’t until my family comes running up do I look down at my hand.
The ring is beautiful, it’s a 3-carat emerald, coffin shaped, with little black diamonds all around it in a gold setting. It was exactly what I wanted. The emerald was dazzling, and it looks to be the exact shade of my eyes.
I am so enraptured by this man. I know that he is the one that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. He is my soul mate. People say not to get married so young, but I’m 20 now. I’m not a teenager anymore. I am in college with a 4.0 in a marketing program, I have a steady career online with brand deals and am a bit of an online celebrity. I decided not to move out so I could save money for a house, but part of me also wasn’t ready to leave my sister alone after our brother had already moved out. I’m an adult, andI try my best to present myself in a manner befitting one of the richest families in the United States.
My mother, the beautiful and beaming Sabrina O’Brien, put her arms around me in a loving embrace. She always smells of pomegranate and teak wood. She didn’t look like she was in her 50’s. In fact, she looked closer to her 30’s if anything. Her blond hair is just starting to show the beginnings of grey, but it honestly fits her flowy attitude and attire.
My father on the other hand, was not so thrilled looking. But, he is always stoic. So it was hard to tell with him. Nothing matters more to him than family, and my sister Selene and I—his two daughters—were the light of his life. He’s told us that more times than I can count. So I think he is just sad at losing his eldest daughter to marriage. I know he wouldn’t have given Gavin permission to marry me if he didn’t like him, right? My dad, Stephan O’Brien, was handsome, strong, and tall. All the girls in my high school told me I have a hot dad. Gross, but it is what it is.
I knew he wasn’t like a normal dad, none of my family has ever been normal. Who else owns like ten houses and has housekeepers and staff at each one all year round even when we aren’t there? But I loved it this way. He tried to keep it separate from us, but dad owned the largest, high profile security firm in the country. He was all about us being trained to protect ourselves as well, which I always thought just stemmed from what he saw at work. He did try to protect us from the dirty side of his work though but I saw what went on sometimes, late-night phone calls in hushed voices, the occasional stain on one of Dad’s pressed white shirts that he brushed off as “work.” He kept odd hours, disappearing for days sometimes, and yet somehow, Mom never looked worried.
He went a little overboard I think, teaching us how to read maps, trading routes of large companies, shooting and other weaponry training. I am really good with a bow, but I’m deadly with throwing knives now. It is so ingrained now that I can nearly do it in my sleep. But we always knew it was his way of showing his love for us.
It was just who he was, who we were. Different. Strong. Untouchable. My father’s late-night calls, the mysterious stains he brushed off, the way strangers lowered their eyes when he entered a room–all of it seemed normal to me. It was simply the life I was born into, and I loved it.
So having them here, Selene, Alisha, and my parents standing proud–surrounding me on this perfect day, it was all I could ask for.
