I could leave a note. I do not.
I am cowardly enough to imagine the text instead.
Thank you. I am sorry. It is not you.
It is the part of me that never learned how to be allowed.
I take the stairs soft and slow.
The front door sighs like it expected this and is disappointed in me.
The storm has spent itself into a glitter that looks innocent and will roll a car without thinking about it.
I am careful on the walk, careful on the steps, careful turning the key because I would like to pretend I am careful with everything.
The engine is a cough then a steady hum.
I should leave it to warm, but I do not.
I pull out, tires slipping once, twice, then catching.
The road curves.
The lodge disappears behind trees the way it did the first time, only now my chest hurts in a way it did not then.
I tell myself I am doing the right thing.
I tell myself this is mercy.
I tell myself what I had last night is a story you get to visit but not keep.
The phone buzzes again. I do not look.
Dawn lifts its shoulder over the ridge.
I drive toward it like a person who has somewhere to be and nothing to say when she gets there.
9
MARISA
A YEAR AND A MONTH LATER
The day begins with a detonation.
Not fireworks, not joy, just the spectacular physics of a diaper losing a negotiation.
Gabe’s face scrunches, Luca catches the mood, and both of them launch into a duet.
The apartment is cold enough that my breath paints the window.
The radiator sulks like a cat.
I kick the wall in the exact spot Lidia showed me, the pipe clanks as if it might try, then pretends to die again for drama.
“Gentlemen,” I say, sugar-sweet, one hand on each bassinet. “I love you. I do not love this.”
Gabe ramps to siren.