Page 106 of Resist
“I’m not. You keep me out on purpose.”
“Maybe because it’s safer that way.”
“For who … you or me?”
I looked up, tears in my eyes. “For both of us.”
Lucas stepped forward and traced the arch of my face with his fingertip before tucking a loose tendril of hair behind my ear. “You don’t trust easily, do you?”
“Actually, I do, and that’s the problem. I’ve learned that opening your heart and letting people in only leads to pain when they slice you up, leave, and take a piece of your heart with them.” I turned away, stepped out of his reach, and clasped at my aching chest. “Don’t you see, Lucas? I don’t have many pieces left.”
“But I won’t do that. I’m nothim.I won’t hurt you.”
“No, you’re not him. But, yeah, you will hurt me. You just don’t know it yet. When you do wake up one day and all your heart yearns for is a child of your own, you’ll leave, and that will hurt like hell. It will hurt more than anything I’ve ever endured.”
“Don’t punish me … us, for the pain you’ve already suffered.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
“You’re about to. I can see it in your eyes.”
I took his hands in mine. “We only have two weeks before the tour ends. Then it’s back home, back to me living my life and you living yours. They’re separate lives, Lucas, and mine includes Jason. How does that make you feel? Have you even thought about that?”
“Of course I have.”
“And?”
“And what? He’s your son. From what you’ve told me he loves you. And when he sees that I love you too, he’ll be fine with us.”
My eyes widened and I stood back, my hand held like a stop sign. “No. You don’t get to do that.”
“Do what?”
“Do the ‘I love you’ shit.”
His eyes crinkled. “Shit? You think that me loving you is shit?”
“Yes!”
This time his dimples popped.
“Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“That.” I pointed to his face.
He stepped closer. “No.”
“YES. JUST STOP! I … I don’t want to love you.”
“But you do, don’t you?”
“Lucas,” I warned.
“Okay, then tell me why you don’t?”
“Because love eventually tears you apart. It rips you to shreds from the inside out and leaves you scattered, beaten, and bare. I’m done with that. I’m done being fragile. No more hurt, no more pain, no more putting the pieces back together again. I’m whole, Lucas.” I crossed my arms in defiance and turned my shoulder to him. “And I’m happy. So just … stop.”
