Page 8 of Emma
“We should have packed a blanket,” Vanessa whispered. “We could have watched the stars together.”
Emma lifted her head and smiled. While it sounded like a beautiful idea, they could do that from the comfort of the decked terrace overhanging the lake later this evening. Emma didn’t know how she’d managed to keep it from her wife when she was beyond excited to spend the night away with Vanessa, but she had…and she wasn’t letting herself down now by revealing the truth. “Next time, babe.”
Anchoring herself to the moment, Emma squeezed Vanessa’s hand and sighed. All of it combined together—the quietness, the lake, the sunset—it felt as though time had paused for them. Life couldn’t always be so beautiful, but for just a moment or two, Emma would lead herself to believe that anything was possible.
“I love you.” Vanessa turned to Emma and cupped her cheek. “And I don’t want to go home. I just want to stay here with you and forget the world exists.”
Emma smiled as she lay her hand against Vanessa’s. “I love you, too.”
“Could we do that? Stay here? I’m sure one of the B&Bs has room for us.”
Maybe nowwasthe time to tell Vanessa about their plans for the rest of the night. After all, that would be their next destination once they came to the end of the trail around the lake. “How about I go one better?”
“Today has already been perfect, so it would be interesting to know how you could possibly top it.”
“Why don’t we head for the car…and drive to the place I’ve already booked for us to stay at tonight?”
Vanessa’s deep blue eyes lit upandteared up at the same time. “You booked somewhere for us?”
“Of course I did.” Emma took Vanessa’s hand from her cheek and pressed her lips to the back of it. “Come on. We can sit outand watch the stars together later tonight. I’ve already checked and there won’t be a cloud in the sky.”
The cottage looked exactlythe same as it had a year ago. Situated perfectly above Lake Windermere, the weathered stone building remained, but the terrace had been re-stained. The interior was as dim and as beautiful as it had been the last time around, the faint hint of burnt wood from the open fireplace a reminder of what they’d faced as a married couple since the weekend they’d spent here.
Emma came inside from the car, carrying bags of groceries—one or two of them clanging with wine bottles—but Vanessa could only smile as she watched her wife lower everything to the kitchen island. Emma had been the very definition of everything Vanessa needed in life since her mastectomy, and even though she found it easier to forget about those days now, she would never forget the time and attention Emma had put into their marriage or Vanessa’s recovery. She would always maintain that she wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for Emma’s support.
Emma slid her phone from her pocket and glanced at the screen. She held it up in Vanessa’s direction and shrugged. “No signal. Some things never change.”
Vanessa smiled in response. Last year, they’d had no choice but to discuss what the future looked like because the signal kept dropping out on their first night here. She crossed the room and joined Emma in the kitchen, pulling a bottle of wine from one of the bags on the counter. “I guess we’ll just have to talk to one another then.”
As she said that, Emma cast her gaze on the terrace through the open patio doors. She didn’t smile; she just stared. “Like last time?”
“No, baby. Not like last time.” Vanessa knew Emma had put on a brave face once they knew the mastectomy was coming, but now and then, when something reminded Emma of that time in their life together, she often had a faraway look in her beautiful grey eyes. “Come here.” She opened her arms to Emma and held her close. “Why do you ask that?”
“Whenever you tell me we need to talk or that we should talk, I worry that you’ve found something else.”
Hearing that broke Vanessa’s heart. Sheneverwanted Emma to worry about what was coming next. As far as Vanessa was concerned, she was happy and healthy. Of course she would always be aware and check her body regularly, attending any scans she was expected to attend, but she didn’t want either of them to go through life waiting for something else to hit. It would only make them miserable. “I’m fine. I promise you.”
“You’re not fine,” Emma said quietly as she drew back. “You’re exceptional.” She searched Vanessa’s eyes, regarding her with the most beautiful smile. “I remember the morning we left here.”
“Me, too.”
“You were quiet. Almost as though you didn’t know what was coming next, even though we were both more than aware of the next steps.”
Vanessa took Emma by the hand and guided her out onto the terrace. They stood in silence for a while, watching as a hint of reflection from the moon shone over the still water beneath them. “I thought coming back here would feel…heavier. But it doesn’t. Not like I expected it would anyway.”
Emma stepped closer, wrapped an arm gently around Vanessa’s waist, and sighed. “I’m glad we came back.”
Vanessa smiled as two swans glided effortlessly across the water. The hum of self-drive motorboats had faded some time ago now, the chill in the air preventing people from taking in the last moments of daylight out on the water, but up here it was simply perfect. Having Emma by her side always would make those darker moments lighter.
“It looks the same,” Vanessa said as she took in her surroundings. “The trees. The lake. Even the swans look like the same pair we watched last year.”
“It does look the same.” Emma lay her head on Vanessa’s shoulder. “But…we don’t.”
Vanessa exhaled a slow breath, hoping to keep her emotions in check for the time they were here. “I wasn’t sure I wanted to come back. Even though I was excited when you surprised me with this, the drive here didn’t feel the same.”
“I know.” Emma shifted to face Vanessa fully, one hand slipping into the back pocket of Vanessa’s jeans as she pressed their bodies together. “This time last year, I remember thinking…wishingthat if we ever came back here, I just wanted us to be okay. Even after your surgery, when things quickly turned to shit, I used to think back on our time here and hope we’d see another year together, and that we’d be okay.”
Instead of dwelling on those weeks and months when Vanessa didn’t know what she was doing with her life anymore, she chose to be honest with her wife. “I’m still trying to figure out what ‘okay’ feels like now.”
