Page 123 of Ecstasy
I’m going home.
In the middle of the night, or morning I guess, Jax is taking me home. Because I begged him. I begged him to let me sleep in my own bed. He fell asleep beside me, not touching me, and I woke up begging.
Because I need to get to my supply, and I know he won’t give it to me.
Jax rolls down the windows of his Camaro, and I stick my arm out, letting the cool breeze blow against my skin. I don’t think he’s super happy to be driving me home at this time of night, but he’s doing it.
“Whatcha gonna be for Halloween?” I ask him, laughing at my own question even though it isn’t funny.
The fall air smells amazing; like woods and campfires and life, even though I don’t think there’s a single campfire happening along this stretch of the road right now. I can smell it anyway, the scents alive in my brain.
I love fall.
Mom used to love decorating for Halloween, too. She made her husband-of-the-year join in with that, too. I think I should call her soon. I think next weekend, I won’t cancel on her dinner like I usually do.
I think I’d like to see her soon. I miss her. I think I need someone now, and she’s my mom after all.
I close my eyes, floating my fingers through the air as Jax drives on. But behind the blackness of my eyelids, I see Alex. I see his deep brown eyes, those flecks of amber.
My stomach churns.
I open my eyes just as Jax finally answers, “A drug dealer,” in a flat tone.
I turn to stare at him, but I see the hint of a smile tugging on his lips.
I burst into laughter that rumbles through my chest and he joins in, one lazy hand on the wheel, his eyes half open as he drives.
“Really?” I ask him between fits of laughter. “Seriously?”
He shrugs. “Easy costume.” He glances at me before his eyes go back to the road. “What about you?”
“A slut,” I deadpan, watching him carefully.
He shakes his head, a little frown tugging on the corner of his mouth. “You’re not a slut,” he says quietly.
I roll my eyes, turn back to watch my fingers dancing on the wind out the window, barely visible in the darkness of the night.
“I am, but that’s okay.”
“You’re not.”
“Whatever.”
I think about what Eli said, about the word ‘whore’. You say the word like it’s a bad thing.
Alex thought it was a bad thing.
Alex only ever wanted me.
Jax and I don’t really talk much after that.
I stumble up to my apartment, head spinning with mostly good things thanks to the fact that I’m still a little drunk, but a few bad ones, too.
Mainly watching Alex walk out without coming back.
Mainly thinking about Eli holding me underwater.
I let myself into the apartment, close the door at my back. It’s quiet, and I think about blasting my music when I get to bed. I head toward my room, jangling my keys. When the drugs hit my system, I’ll be fine.I’ll be strong. I’ll be brave and everything that happened all those weeks ago will be fine.
