Page 138 of Sweet Caroline
Realizing I’m in the middle of my speech, I tear my gaze away and clear my throat, trying to focus on the words in front of me. But, as I scan the page, none of it feels right. With a resigned sigh, I fold the paper up and stuff it back in my pocket.
“I’m actually…” I scrub at the back of my neck. “Uh… I’d written this whole thing, but it’s not…” My eyes reach Caroline’s again. “I know what I wanna say.”
She gives me an encouraging nod.
Just speak from the heart.
“Sobriety has been rough. Messy. Ugly, sometimes. They sayone day at a timea lot in AA, but that makes it sound so simple. Linear.” I shake my head. “But not every twenty-four hours is the same. Some days it’s easier, and some days feel… fucking impossible.”
Gus bobs his head, likely remembering all theimpossiblehe’s had to navigate with me lately.
“Thank youfeels like a shitty way to cover it. Each of you has shown up for me in so many ways, big and small, to keep me on track, and I’m not exaggerating when I say I wouldn’t be here for this—or maybe not at all—if it weren’t for you. Gus, you’vephysically dragged me to the gym and forced me to stick to my routine. I think you’d probably rip my skull open to pour in the happy brain chemicals if you could, but you always seem to find a way to get them there, anyway, whether it’s through lunges or, y’know, musical torture.”
He laughs and points at me. “Not regretting calling youFuckwad.” When I smirk, he relaxes back into his seat, lifting his chin. “Just kidding. Love you, man.”
“Olena, my fellow ADHD goblin.” I jump down and jog the couple of steps closer to give her a quick fist bump, then return to the gazeboto continue. “You always make me feel seen. Plus, you make my brother happy, and that’s pretty awesome.”
Jude puts his arm around her and kisses her temple.
“Couldn’t ask for a cooler future sister-in-law,” I add. “And thank you fornotbaking my cake tonight.”
“You’re welcome,” she says with a serious dip of her head.
“And Jude…” I meet my brother’s eyes and my throat constricts. “Fuck, man. You’ve been through so much of my shit with me. I’ve probably given you thousands of reasons to walk away, but you never have. I dunno if you’re a glutton for punishment or you’re reallythatpatient and forgiving, but uh…”—I swallow—“Mom and Dad would be so fucking proud of you.”
His brow crumples and I can tell he’s fighting to keep his shit together.
Olena squeezes tight to his side, welling up along with him.
“You’ve all done so much for me. And the honest truth is, it’s still hard as shit sometimes. I had one of those days recently.” A breeze picks up, the flames from the fire licking over to one side like reeds in a current. I can’t tell if it’s the wind or the memory of that night making me feel colder. “About two and a half weeks ago, I came very close to drinking.”
Caroline’s lips part, concern and understanding transforming her features. She must have guessed what I was grappling withover the phone, but the confirmation etches sadness into her features all the same.
“Like, glass-in-my-hand close,” I add. My gaze trips between my brother and Olena, then Gus, catching the same sad expression on each of their faces. It’s not disappointment. Not pity. Not resentment.
It’s compassion. Empathy. Love.
“It’s when you’re at your lowest moment that those old habits really come for you, y’know? And, that night, I was in pain.” I can’t help but look at Caroline when I say it, still not quite believing she’s here. “Unbearable pain.”
She covers her mouth, her fingers trembling.
“More than anything, I just wanted it to stop.”
The fire crackles, breaking the silence.
“But, instead of picking up that glass, I picked up the phone.”
The twist of anguish in my girl’s beautiful eyes is almost too much to bear.
“Caroline… This is gonna sound dramatic as fuck, but you reminded me I have a life worth living. A sober life. A healthy life. A life full of goodness and understanding and acceptance. You reminded me that I can do this. That Ihavedone this andamdoing this. That I owe it to myself to keep going. Even when it’s hard, or messy, or it hurts to the point where I think I can’t do it anymore.”
Olena shifts closer to Caroline and grips her hand, both of them in tears.
“You reminded me that I’m loved.Worthyof love—not broken or hopeless.” I have to pause for a second so I don’t lose my composure entirely. “I’d say you saved me, but what you really did was remind me I had it in me to save myself.”
Caroline rubs at her chest, her gaze briefly falling to her lap. When she lifts her eyes to meet mine again, the light flickers over her tear-streaked cheeks and I nearly break.
“I’m gonna keep going. Keep fighting. For you, so I can be the man you deserve.” I nod to the others and add, “So I can be the brother and the friend you deserve too… But also, and most importantly, I’m gonna keep fighting for myself.”
