Page 33 of If He Hadn't Cheated
He meets my eyes. “You need a place too. Peace.”
“I don’t deserve peace.”
“You deserve it more than anyone.”
I sit on the couch.
The room is too quiet. Too safe. He sits beside me like he did the first night I hung out with him and Sebastian in high school all those years ago.
“I’m not like you,” I whisper.
“You’re exactly like me. Better.”
We sit there for what seems like hours.
No talking.
Just breathing.
And for the first time, I don’t feel like I’m waiting for the world to end. I feel like I might still be in it.
He turns to face me and like all those years ago when I wasn’t Sebastian’s girl. When I wanted to be his girl, but he was clear that he didn’t want a relationship. I turn to face him. I don’t push him away. I lean close. Closer.
I smell his cologne. The scent of his skin.
I get lost in darkness of his eyes. His lips. The taste of his mouth. His breath. We kiss and kiss. Like he’s making up for all the times we didn’t.
For the first time in almost a year, I don’t push thoughts of Knox away. I don’t bury the attraction. I let it surface. I don’t get lost in the thoughts of Sebastian.
I get lost in him.
14
It’s morning by the time Knox drives me home. Neither of us speaks on the way. The city is pale and slow outside the window. Early light smudges the skyline, casting long shadows over buildings still half-asleep. Everything feels quieter. Even my thoughts.
We stop outside my apartment, and he doesn’t move.
I glance at him. “Want to come up?”
He shakes his head. “You need rest.”
“You make that sound like a solution.”
“It’s a start.”
I open the door and step out. The cold air hits me. I pause before shutting the door and lean down just enough to meet his eyes.
“Thanks for last night.”
Knox nods. “Anytime. But don’t thank me for the kiss.” My cheeks heat despite the cold bite of the wind. “I wanted to more than anything.” Then his phone rings breaking the spell of the moment words I’ve waited to hear left his lips.
I climb the stairs slowly. Every step feels heavier than the last, like I’m carrying something I can’t name. When I reach mydoor, I don’t go in right away. I stand there with my keys in my hand, staring at the chipped paint on the frame. I don’t want to go back to who I was in there. I unlock the door anyway.
Sleep doesn’t come, not with thoughts of last night and the kiss. The way he held me to his chest.
Even after I change clothes, brush my teeth, crawl into bed, and close my eyes. My body’s still, but my mind runs laps. Knox’s memory room sits in my head like a weight I didn’t know I needed to carry. A quiet place full of ghosts. Not the haunting kind. The grounding kind. That’s what scares me the most. The way I want him. I don’t trust quiet. I don’t trust calm.
I trust chaos because it’s honest. It doesn’t pretend to last. When I finally drift off, the dream that finds me isn’t one I want.
