Page 152 of A Dead Girl's Guide to Living
She glanced up at us, as if trying to gauge whether we were judging her or not. I wasn’t judging her, I was just more terrified of where this story was headed.
“Anyway, Kyle and Ryan arrived,” Liv continued, blinking. “Jedd was in the back. Mom followed us both outside, grabbing at me, trying to pull me back into the house. It was a shitshow. Jedd and Ryan got out of the car—they were confused as fuck. Eventually, they got her off me and into the car.” Liv’s voice wobbled. “She was pounding on the windows, screaming bloody murder. The neighbors came out. It was—it was a whole thing.”
I swallowed the lump rising in my throat, holding on to the back of the chair like it was the only thing keeping me grounded. The growing unease in my stomach made me feel sick.
Liv’s voice picked up again, as if, now that she’d opened the gates, there was no stopping the truth.
“We got to the club, and Ryan had to go backstage right away to finish getting ready. The scene at my mom’s house almost made us late for his set. The rest of us went and got drinks—it was so busy in there. Drag night always pops off. We knew a few regulars, and we were on a first-name basis with the bartender, Mila. She used to put umbrellas in all my drinks.”
A smile tugged at her lips before it dimmed again, like a happy memory drowned beneath whatever darkness was rising inside her.
I felt like I could feel it too.
“The owner, Nia—she was hovering around the bar, looking really… just off. She never really came down to the floor. She was always upstairs in the office. Sometimes the queens could drag her down, but it was rare. Mila was talking to her, patting herback. It was just—the look on her face. On both their faces. It was wrong. It felt wrong… inside me.”
Dove shifted beside me. Her hand was in her lap, gripping her leg, but her face remained blank, showing nothing. No emotion that might scare Liv off.
I hoped my own features were just as schooled.
“Ryan came out right before his show,” Liv continued, and she smiled again. “He looked so good. He had this ginger wig for Dee Dee and the most beautiful, over-the-top makeup that I swear only he could pull off. His expression was off, though. When I asked what was wrong, he said the club had been getting hate messages on Facebook, and Nia was starting to get them sent directly to her phone and her house.”
Liv’s eyes dropped, and her voice went low as pure turmoil churned in my stomach.
“He said it was bad. That someone was basically saying we all needed cleansing. That the club was a disgrace. Apparently, the cops weren’t taking her seriously. She’d hired more security… but… ” Liv shrugged and sucked in a heavy breath. “It was strange. It was like a coiling down my spine—like something had just clicked into place. It—I—I don’t know how to explain it, really, but it just suddenly felt like my fate was decided in that moment.”
The wind shifted, and she blinked, eyes glossy as she looked back at us.
“I looked around at everyone, and I saw it suddenly. How scared the staff looked. How tense Ryan looked under all his makeup. Kyle’s lips were thin, and I—I had seen them like that before. At venues where they wouldn’t so much as stand next to each other. When they walked past certain people and wouldn’t hold hands. I never… I never understood it. I mean, I know hateful people are out there—that there are people who hate the community—but I never really understood it. I’mstraight. I’venever been afraid to kiss Jedd in public or hold his hand. I never had to think about who was watching or whether it was a safe place to do it.”
She met our eyes then, her voice cracking.
“That night, I got it. That fear? This wasn’t… this wasn’t new for them. For me, it was just a Tuesday night at the club, watching my friend perform drag, and I—I felt so fucking privileged. Like I’d been walking around with a blindfold on my whole life, and it suddenly got ripped off.”
She rubbed her temple and looked past us, out into the expanse of desert, crossing her arms tightly across her chest.
“Mom’s words just began to ring in my head, ‘Don’t go out tonight, Liv. Something’s wrong. Please stay home.’” Liv’s voice sounded faraway, and I watched as she tightened her grip on her upper arms. “I just took the shot Kyle offered me and downed it. I convinced myself Mom had gotten into my head. Assholes existed and said horrible shit.”
Her voice wavered, her gaze locked on the desert, as if she couldn’t bear to look at us.
“I see you guys, you know,” Liv murmured. “Now that you finally got over whatever little dance you were doing. You’re still… still careful about how you interact in public. You look everywhere. You—you’re making sure, all the time. I notice. I don’t think you two even realize you’re doing it.”
Dove and I shared a look, one filled with a level of understanding only we would get.
“Dee Dee went onstage and did her number,” Liv continued, her voice cutting through the silence and drawing both our attentions back to her. “The way the energy just shifted—among all of us—and Dee Dee was killing it. Seriously. All those hours of watching it over and over again… seeing it done onstage like that was like seeing it for the first time. We were dancing and singing along; we sure as hell knew the words by then.”
She pressed her lips together, and I watched as her nails bit into her upper arms. My own anxiety coiled, licking its way down my spine.
“Smoke,” she murmured. “It got smoky. We all assumed smoke machine at first… but then the smell. You could smell it. Fumes—thick and acrid—and it just seemed to burn your nose the second it hit you. I can still remember… still taste it.”
Sweat gathered under my arms, and a lump rose in my throat. I could picture it all too easily—the club, the pulsing lights, the music and the dancing and the growing smoke. Joy that got shattered like glass.
“Then the shooting started.”
All color seemed to drain from my face, and I felt Dove’s hand suddenly grip mine across the console where it had fallen to rest. Her palm was hot and sweaty, her grip tight, her eyes zeroed in on Liv, who continued to look away from us—out into nothing.
“It—it just seemed to come from everywhere, all at once,” Liv whispered. “There was no… no warning. You just heard it and then—then there was the screaming. People started—started running. God, the sound. I’ll never forget it.”
Tears filled my eyes at the image—the thought of how it would have felt to be inside… smelling smoke… hearing gunshots… seeing people run, people shove, people collapse. That sinking feeling in your stomach when you know something horrible is happening and your brain is only just starting to catch up.
