Page 112 of A Dead Girl's Guide to Living
“It was just too much, you know?” she whispered weakly, her voice filled with tears once more. “I said to her, maybe it was best if we just had a small break. Each of us just use some time to sort ourselves out. You know, everything was just falling apart, but I was breaking, and she was already broken, and then one day…” Ellis’s voice cracked. “Our—our friend group always hung out on this rooftop at the back of the school. We weren’t supposed to, obviously, but it was easy to get to, and it was cool.”
I tensed.
“It was right after I had suggested the break, and we were all up there and—and Alexis was in one of her angry moods. She—she started flirting with another girl in front of me. One of our friends asked her what the hell she was doing, and it just led to this huge confrontation where suddenly everyone was dumping all their grievances, putting it all out in the open. There was so much screaming, so much yelling. Then she started drinking out of this flask—which we figured out was alcohol—which led to more screaming and fighting… and then…”
Ellis’s breath was rattling now, and she coughed.
“She stepped up to the ledge and basically screamed at all of us, that if we all hated her so much, she’d fix the problem for us. She—she jumped.”
My heart thudded hard, and it felt like the blood in my body was rushing through my ears.
“She didn’t die,” Ellis whispered quickly, and a small wave of relief filled me. “But she wasn’t the same again. She broke a leg and an arm… and after that day, I never saw her again. Her mom pulled her from the school. I was taken off all her socials, and my number was blocked. Her mom even called my mom and told her what had happened was all my fault, that my issues had put too much weight on her shoulders.”
I sputtered, cutting in. “Well, that’s bullshit. There were a lot more contributing factors than just you getting sick again.”
“I was the catalyst,” Ellis whispered, her voice cracking once more. “I always am. I nearly broke my parents growing up. They thought they hid things so well, but I know there were times it came close. I broke my brother. He hardly speaks to any of us now. And I made a decision. I wouldn’t let anyone get close again. I couldn’t… I can’t—I can’t drag anyone else into the mess that is my life.”
My heart thudded hard in my chest at her words, and I murmured, “Ellis… you got the heart. You aren’t… you’re not dying.”
“Nottoday,” she breathed ominously, and I frowned, trying to understand what she meant.
“Listen… I know you feel it,” she said softly, and now her voice wavered, a fresh layer of vulnerability in it. “This—this thing between us, and I’m not naïve enough or stupid enough to pretend it doesn’t exist.”
My breath caught in my throat, and my stomach flipped, my ears growing hot.
“I’m scared of what to do with it,” she said, her voice breaking again. “I’m scared of… scared of feeling this.Wantingthis. I’m scared to need someone. Because I know what it’s like to destroy someone by accident.”
I had to squeeze my eyes closed to smother the burning desire to rip away the pillows dividing us and pull her into my arms.
“And if I just made a fool of myself and you don’t know what I’m talking about, we can pretend this conversation never—”
“Ellis,” I cut in, my voice a little breathy. “I feel it too.”
The silence of the room after my words only amplified the sharpness of her breath on the other side.
“I’m scared,” she admitted, her voice sounding small.
“Me too,” I told her honestly.
Because I was.
Ellis Langley was by far the most complicated uncomplicated person I had ever met. She had come at me with raw honesty when I had expected her to dodge whatever was going on between us, and it was giving me a sort of whiplash right now. My racing heart could hardly keep up with the sudden revelation.
I let my eyes slip closed as a wave of complete exhaustion washed over me, my hand still resting lightly against the pillow wall as a hushed silence settled over us, neither of us willing to venture any further into this conversation.
For tonight, at least.
And I was okay with that.
I had no idea what would happen next, what the mood would be like tomorrow morning when we had to face these admissions without walls of pillows between us and daylight tearing away the hiding spaces of the night’s darkness.
I didn’t know if Ellis could let herself feel everything I knew she was holding back, but I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be here for it when she did.
I couldn’t put my finger on what it was about her that had pinned me down, but I was under her thumb, and I was choosing to stay. Through the fear of the unknown, the warnings of being hurt, I would wait.
Because some people were worth the risk.
ELLIS
