Page 127 of A Dead Girl's Guide to Living
It hadn’t gone further. It was just kissing.
And somehow, that only served to soften the lump that always lived inside me.
It felt good to have that closeness with someone. With her. It felt soothing to wake up and feel her arm draped over my waist, her breath warm and steady on my neck. I had zero desire to move once I realized our position, and I stuffed down the growing feelings of selfishness and allowed myself to enjoy that brief moment in time, one I knew would live in my memory forever.
It felt so complicated and uncomplicated all at once.
Dove made me feel like it was okay to want things, and she didn’t treat me like some tragedy-turned-miracle or look at me with underlying pity or offer me grand words of useless wisdom I didn’t ask for.
I drummed my finger lightly against my thigh.
Was it okay to want her—and from there, was it okay totakeher?
Something loosened further in my chest the deeper we drove into New Mexico. I wasn’t sure where it stemmed from or when the knot had started to unravel. It all just seemed so big out here—away from home and away from people who only saw me as a miracle. A survivor. Or maybe it was the fact that, no matter how stressed or panicked I had been, I had never turned back.
I turned my head slightly and glanced at Dove, who was focused on the road, Dehd playing in the background, a common soundtrack whenever we were in the car. Dove’s favorite.
Her sunglasses rested on the bridge of her nose, her hair pulled into the sloppiest space buns I’d seen yet on this trip. Thetiniest smirk tugged at her mouth, like she could feel me looking at her, and I watched as that hidden dimple peeked out.
My heart did something so complicated and warm that I immediately ripped my eyes back to the road.
I grabbed the binder from the footwell instead.
“Ahh,” Dove murmured, drumming her fingers against the wheel. “The Bible.”
“Shut up,” I groaned softly, a laugh tugging at my lips as I shook my head at her. “Albuquerque—want to know what we’re doing?”
“Hit me,” Dove said.
“Okay, so we have the Sandia Peak Tramway, which is our biggest stop, in my opinion,” I said, eyeing the neatly typed list and color-coded locations. “It’s the longest aerial tram in North America, and apparently the views are worth the height-induced panic, according to a TripAdvisor post.”
“Well, we live for a near-death experience, don’t we?” Liv piped up from the back, breaking out of her silent reverie.
“You’re already dead,” Dove pointed out bluntly.
“Exactly,” Liv sighed with a pout. “I just miss the thrill ofalmostdying, you know?”
I wouldn’t call it thrilling, but whatever.
“Then we have the Petroglyph National Monument,” I went on, tapping the page. “It’s an amazing site. Ancient carvings over 700 years old, etched into volcanic rock by Native Americans and Spanish settlers.”
“Awesome,” Liv murmured from the back. “Something deep for you to think about when you get all broody about your nighttime makeout.”
“Oh, there it is,” I murmured as I closed the binder and sighed. “Good morning, Liv.”
Dove snickered softly as Liv gave a mock two-fingered salute, then threw her arms behind her head and leaned back against the seat.
“Okay, I need a bathroom break,” Dove said as she approached a lone gas station and began to slow and pull off the road. “Ellis, do you?”
“I’m good,” I murmured, scrolling through the website for the tramway.
“Okay, I won’t be long.”
I watched as she left the car, noting with interest that Liv followed after her. Then I returned to the page, taking in the photos of the ride. It looked pretty amazing, and from the few TikToks I’d watched—during that one night I’d frantically outlined the trip—I’d fallen down a rabbit hole of videos for almost an hour.
I navigated to the available tram times for today, hesitating before booking so I could give both Liv and Dove the option. I tried to swallow down the obsessive desire to control the trip. I felt like I was getting somewhat better at letting go—I mean, I hadn’t lost my shit over camping, so that was a positive turn.
I opened TikTok again and eyed my notifications. Too many to open.
