Page 123 of A Dead Girl's Guide to Living
I was still on the radar.
I closed it.
There was a brisk breeze in the air, but it wasn’t cold. I’d lit a fire moments earlier so we’d have something going while I boiled water for our ramen. We’d swiped some sandwiches from the diner up the road, so we were set for food and water. It was just… different.
I’d liked the feeling of Ellis’s eyes on me as I built the fire, the small look of awe that mirrored her expression the day I’d changed the tire. I’d pretended not to notice her stare.
I wanted more thanlooks, though.
We’d been honest with each other. We had admitted point-blank facts that usually took months to come out, let’s be fair.
I wanted to kiss her. And who wouldn’t? She was gorgeous.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t been physically attracted to her this whole time, it had just been a personality thing in the beginning that put me off. But now?
Well, shit. None of that stuff was in the way anymore.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t spent a fat few hours today, driving from Oklahoma, living in some weird fantasy that always ended with me kissing Ellis.
I sighed softly and went back to drawing.
“What do you think the point of it all really is?” Liv asked from above us, her voice casual as she floated in the air, arms behind her head as she gazed up at the sky. “Like, why are we here in the first place? Why do we actuallybother?”
I blinked and glanced over at Ellis, who had removed a bud from her ear with a confused frown.
“That’s a pretty loaded question this early into the night,” I said lightly, setting down my iPad and clicking the pen back into its case.
“Well, I’m dead,” Liv mumbled.
A low exhale escaped my nose, and I leaned back in the chair, stretching out my legs, crossing my arms, and gazing up at the sky, catching the few twinkling lights that were now starting to multiply.
“I have no idea, really,” I said with a shrug. “I mean, no one does. I guess we’re all just here to live the version of life we think is right for us, you know? We’re here to experience stuff. Feel things, even the bad stuff. Maybe especially the bad stuff. Imagine if everything was always perfect? We’d just be numbed out.”
“Maybe,” Liv muttered with her own sigh. “But then what next? Like, what happens when we die?”
I quirked a brow and lifted my head, glancing at Ellis, who wore a funny smile as she absorbed Liv’s question.
“Well, you’re the only one here with the qualifications to answer that, Liv,” I told her honestly.
“Buthowam I the only onehere?” Liv pressed, an air of exasperation in her voice I hadn’t heard before. “Like, wherever I am right now—this weird limbo world, attached to Ellis like some parasite. Where are all the other ghosts with unfinished business?”
“Probably attached to other people,” I said. “I mean, look, no one truly understands or knows the answers to the afterlife. Margaret was a medium. She got messages from people’s loved ones, but there was never any mention of where they were or what they did. Just that they were happy. At peace.”
“I just don’t get it,” Liv grumbled. “Like, what was the point of being alive for such a small amount of time, just to die and then be stuck? What did I actually achieve in twenty-one years that had the universe saying I was done?”
I shared a look with Ellis, who was now visibly chewing the inside of her cheek, her eyes wide like a deer in headlights. I watched her hand twitch where it rested against her chest.
“I just—I just wonder sometimes if I actually did anything that mattered, you know?” Liv said again, her voice small and searching. I could only imagine her eyes scanning the stars for answers. “I mean, all I ever did was party a lot, hang out with friends, and plan big dreams I never got to fulfill. Like… why was I even here?”
“You would have been a spark in people’s lives, Liv,” I told her, the words coming without thought. “You would have rippled out among anyone you knew, anyone you crossed paths with. It’s obvious you’re a force of nature. People like you leave impressions. Offhand comments stick. You ripple out, Liv, even if you don’t mean to.”
Silence met my words. Heavier this time, the weight of it settled low in my stomach.
“Are we meant to understand it?” Ellis asked, her voice tentative as she looked toward Liv. “Like, understand why we’re here? I mean, I think about it. All the time. Am I supposed to do something big now? Because someone died…youdied, and I got to be here. Am I meant to do more? I—I never even planned for more.”
The small fire popped loudly beside us, and Ellis flinched, her eyes darting down to the dirt like it might hold the answer to the question that had been rattling around in her brain since Liv’s heart had been put in her chest.
“Well,” I began, “I don’t think we’re owed greatness just because we survive. I think we’re owed honesty, more than anything. Showing up. Just doing the best we can with what we’ve got and the hand we were dealt. I think that has to be enough.”
