Page 79 of Call It What You Want
Ava
“I’mthe monster,” I say, in a daze, sitting between Eve and Wyn on the bed. “I’ve been the monster this whole time…”
Ember is holding my hand, and Wyn is sitting in front of me, hand on my knee.
“No, Ava, listen,” Eve says. “Hypnosis isn’t always reliable. The mind can create false memories that feel completely real. We have no way of knowing if what you’re remembering actually happened...”
“It happened,” I say, my voice flat. “It’s real.”
I feel numb, and my mind keeps circling on one horrific moment—the knife sinking into the Senator’s throat, followed by a waterfall of blood. It was so fast.
“Eve is right,” Wyn says in a soothing voice. “Until we have corroboration, we don’t know….”
But Idoknow. Memories of that morning have filled the corners of my mind, and they’re as solid and undeniable as the mattress beneath me. And all this time, Jackson let me believehewas the one…
Why?
“I’m getting Jackson,” Ember says, getting up abruptly.
I don’t say anything. I’m too busy trying to grapple with my new reality.
I killed a man.
I’m a murderer.
“I ended someone’s life,” I say, staring straight ahead. “Violently.”
And not only that, I almost killed the guy who attacked me yesterday. What the fuck is wrong with me?
“Okay,ifthat’s even true…then…Senator Davis was a predator,” Wyn says. “You were protecting yourself. Anyone in your situation would have done the same thing.”
I shake my head slowly, rejecting Wyn’s tidy justification. Because it’s not true. I could have stabbed at his arm or shoulder. But I purposefully went for his throat. And now, I keep seeing his eyes—wide, shocked, that spark of life fading to nothing. That image, more than any other, will haunt me forever.
“I protected myself,” I repeat, testing the words. They sound hollow. They feel like a lie.
“You didn’t set out to be a killer,” Eve says softly, but her words barely reach me.
I sink back against the mountain of pillows. “I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.”
Wyn reaches out and gently brushes a strand of hair off my shoulder. “You don’t have to forgive yourself yet. You survived an assault. That doesn’t make you a monster.”
I shake my head again, sobs bubbling up and breaking free. The weight of the truth crushes me, and all I can think is…how do I live with this? How do I look at myself in the mirror when the reflection staring back is afucking murderer?
Hot tears stream down my cheeks as Wyn, Eve, and I linger in silence. My mind is a storm, swirling with anger, betrayal, andthe reality of what I’ve done. And what Jackson has done. He lied forthree years.He let everyone believe it was him.
“Why didn’t Jackson tell me?” I say, sitting up, wiping away the tears. The thought of confronting him makes my stomach twist. The tenuous trust between us is shattered now. How could I ever trust him again?
“I’m sure he has a reason,” Wyn says. “Ember left to find him.”
I nod, more tears falling. I’ve been kept in the dark for too long. I need the truth, even if it destroys me. I won’t let anyone dictate the story of my life—not Jackson, not the lies, not the senator.
I don’t know how long it takes, but eventually Ember returns with Jackson in tow. When they walk in, I climb off the bed and face him.
“I haven’t told him anything,” Ember says, her gaze skirting to Wyn and Eve. She jerks her chin. “Let’s give them a minute.”
They walk out and close the door.
“Eve,” he says softly, almost cautiously. “Are you okay?”
