Page 116 of Resurrection
Soon, she drifts into sleep, her breath a gentle tide. I lie awake, afraid to move, and watch her as if she'll disappear if I blink. She's a dream, this moment is a dream, and the fear creeps back, but softer now, less insistent.
What if I make another mistake?
What if I lose her?
What if I already have?
What if she takes it back come morning?
I push the thoughts away, too scared to let them grow. I'm here. We're here. It's more than I hoped for, more than I thought I'd get.
Maybe, just maybe, I can make it last this time.
28NAOMI
I wakewith a breath that might be relief, might be panic. The ceiling is my sky, wide and silent, as the events of last night dance through my head. They twist, ache, hum, like songs of hope and doubt.
I'm scared, I realize.
Scared of wanting. Of this happiness that might be real and my fumbling attempts to hold on to it, to keep from screwing up. It felt too good, still does.
I hope tomorrow, it’ll be the same. It’s a crazy, budding hope, but it’s there and it terrifies me.
Ty said he loves me, always has.
Words I missed during the past seventeen years.
Maybe my stupid revenge plan never stood a chance.
I roll to the side to face him. He’s still sleeping, completely shameless in his uncovered nakedness, beautiful as ever, with his inked muscled arms and long toned legs.
Last night was more than sex. It was everything. Everything I thought I’d lost and wasn’t supposed to want. Can it last? Or will we ruin this again?
I study Ty beside me, and my heart stretches its arms, tentative but so ready to embrace this moment. It’s like we’re eighteen and he’s carving our initials into the oak tree in my back yard to turn us into a future.
Only, we’re older. He’s famous, and I know what fame means, what it does to people, what it can do to us. Can he really put me first? Can I deal with it? I don’t know if I’m ready to gamble, but I don’t want to give up either. Problem is, I can’t pretend. I can’t pretend that I’ll be okay with him being constantly gone if he chooses the stage.
That’s why Sonia’s plan to get back at Tyler was doomed from the start. I’ll never be that person.
A memory flashes through my mind. A man I used to see. One who claimed he had my back but then told me I wasn’t TV material.
You’re too serious, Naomi.
Can’t you be a little more playful?
Have fun.
I couldn’t. The kitchen was the only place that mattered, the only truth I had left. Being someone else there felt like cheating. Cheating my father and everything he taught me about food.
My one and only serious relationship after Ty fell apart because of a stupid reality show, because I wasn’t the star quality. And my boyfriend couldn’t even give me a heads-up that I’d be eliminated. It felt like the biggest betrayal ever after Ty leaving me.
Stop self-sabotaging, Naomi.
You do understand that I’m trying to keep personal and professional relationships separate, right?
I hold my breath and let it out slowly. I don’t want to mess this up, whatever this dangerous, reckless, living thing is that’s happening between us right now.
I lean into him, bury my face in the warmth of his shoulder, and close my eyes for a second.
