Page 95 of Sins or Secrets
“Somebody has to. I know what he did.”
“I pray that’s not true, because I would hate it if you knew everything.”
“I know enough.”
She sighs and her shoulders sag.“I don’t know what possessed me to get involved with him.I was young, foolish, and naïve, Quinn.What must you think of me? Pregnant at fifteen by a married man.I was no example.”
“I never judged you for that. Not even a little bit.”
“I was the rebel. It sparked that side of me when your father was interested in me.It was only when I got pregnant that it hit me that I made a mistake.But you weren’t a mistake. You were the most precious thing to me and I loved you from the second I found out I was pregnant.”
“Thank you.”
It’s nice hearing that, and it makes me think of my own child.That was how I felt. I was shit scared but I was in love.My situation, however, would have been dramatically different.I was eighteen and pregnant by a man I loved.She was fifteen years old and pregnant by a monster.
“Don’t thank me. I didn’t do anything and it feels like everything I did was the wrong thing.I couldn’t afford to take care of you.It was just me, my mom and my brother.We were dirt poor living in the trailer park.When your father found out about you he offered to take you.The deal was he’d give my family money in exchange for you.Of course he offered to give you everything.But I was supposed to stay away.Stay out of your life. It was an easy decision when I knew there was nothing I could offer you.Then the day came to give you up, and I changed my mind.I wanted to be a part of your life.But contracts had been signed, and the only thing left to do was threaten my family.My brother didn’t know your father was the father of my child.It was just my mother that knew, and we were scared of what he would do to us.”
“That’s understandable.”
“You’re sweet, but it’s not. It’s a hard thing to feel helpless and not be able to fight for your own child.Please never think I wanted to give you up.” She reaches for a tissue from the box of Kleenex on the table and dabs at her eyes.
“I know. I do know.”
“How did you find out about me?”
“Aunt Lilly. It was her.”
“That woman was probably the one good thing about this.A few years after I had you Lilly came to see me.The dust had settled but I was still broken.She said she wouldn’t mind me stopping by the dance studio to see you, but we had to be careful.I wanted to jump at the chance to see you every day, but I knew I couldn’t and it would confuse you.”
“I’m just glad you came to see me.It helps knowing you cared. I had a tough upbringing.My father ruled with an iron fist and he removed those who got in his way.”
“Like my brother,” she supplies tentatively and brings her hands together.
The thought crosses my mind that if anybody might be able to supply the truth on that it could be her.
“Do you know for sure it was my father who killed him?”
“No one ever knows for sure, my girl.It has to be him though. Mark's death was filed as a suicide in the end because there was no other explanation.”
“Ididn’t know that.”
“Well, I don’t need two guesses to figure out how that happened.My brother didn’t killhimself.There was no motive for himto.He was just concerned about me and wantedjustice.Mark found out what your father did to me, that we were involved when I was a kid, and wanted to go public about it because I was still trying to fight to seeyou.You were sixteen and even though sixteen years had gone by I couldn’t forgetyou.Peter bought my silence and I accepted a deal I didn’t know was going to blow up in myface.All out of desperation. My brother suffered for mymistake.No one can understand the grief I went through knowing in my heart that it had to be Peter who killedhim.”
I reach over and take herhand.“I’m so sorry. It doesn’t feel like anything anyone can do or say isenough.”
“Because it won’t be. I realized that a long timeago.I’m so grateful Lilly told you aboutme.God knows when I saw what happened to your father I wanted to try again, but I didn’t want to mess with your life, especially when you already had amother.”
“No. It was always clear that she didn’t care aboutme.”
“Maybe that was because you weren’thers.Maybe she thought of you as belonging to your father and knew you weremine.I’m not making excuses forher.She felt like my competition and I always thought she could be what I couldn’tbe.”
“I already know that’s nottrue.I went through a lot. Lilly gave me all the letters you wrote toher.”
She brings her hands to hercheeks.“Shedid?”
“Yeah. As I read them it was like I could feel you and it made up for all the times I needed somebody and had no one.”
I look across the distance just as Logan comes into view with theothers.I find myself staring at him.Heather looks too and her lips arch.
