Page 21 of Play of Love
“I don’t know if I can play football anymore,” I told him, and just saying the words pained me to my soul. Surely if it felt that bad, it meant not playing wasn’t the answer either.
“Is that what you want? To not play anymore?” Concern filled Corey’s eyes.
“No.” That was the truth. “I just don’t know if I can. It’s hard to go back out there knowing that…” I closed his eyes and sighed.
“I knew them too. Remember? I knew your mom and Clarissa too. They were like family to me. Heck, you even dragged me along to a few ballets, and I helped your mom with a ton of her charity events.” Corey smiled with reflection.
It was good to hear someone talk about them like that. Someone else who remembered them.
“Corey, I can’t get past it. If I hadn’t made them come to the game they’d still be here.” That was the most words I’d ever said to anyone. It was perhaps because I’d reached my breaking point and didn’t know what else to do.
“It’s natural to blame yourself. But it wasn’t your fault. Josh, they could have decided not to come.”
“They didn’t want to disappoint me.” That was the truth of the matter. They didn’t want to disappoint me so they put their lives at risk.
“Things happen, Josh. Bad things happen sometimes. You may think it’s easy for me to say because I’m not you, but it’s the truth. They meant a lot to me too.” Corey nodded. I took note of the sincerity in his eyes.
In our high school days Corey probably spent more time at my house than his own. Corey’s parents were always busy flying between Texas and L.A. for one business event or another.
There were a number of summers that saw Corey practically living at my house because he couldn’t stand going back to the family farm. My family treated him like he was very much a part of them.
“I know.” I nodded. It felt good to talk like this, as hard as it was.
“Josh, your behavior…this way you’re living and route you’re going down will destroy you. They loved you, a lot. They wouldn’t want to see you like this. They were always so proud and happy to watch you play. If you want to remember them you should play. Get your act together and play.”
It was all very encouraging. Corey gave some very encouraging points, but until I stopped blaming myself none of that would sink in.
“I’ll think about it.” I ran my hand across my face. I needed to shave, and I needed a drink.
“I hope you will, Josh. I really do. I understand if you don’t make it to the meetup next week, but you got to be at the show. If you’re not, I’m not sure if that will bode well for you.”
Corey wouldn’t say it, but I knew what he meant. He meant I would get cut from the team. This was why all the efforts—the PA that took his crap, the constant insistence from Corey, Zelda telling me I should retire if I didn’t want a PA—it was all because they wanted me to come back and didn’t want to cut me from the team.
“Sure, thanks for the heads up.”
“No problem, and jokes aside, you may want to take it easy on your PA too, she’s here to help.”
I nodded my agreement only because I didn’t want to deal with this now. Having choice taken away from you was a big thing, but I understood the need for it. The team couldn’t wait for me forever. They had to move on. The thing was, if I lost my position it was likely that this would definitely be the end of my career. I’d already been out of the game for six months, and out of shape by an athlete’s standard.
I doubted that I could run for two minutes without stopping to catch a breath. That was from lack of training, junk food, and the constant alcohol consumption. Probably the sleeping around too, and staying in bed practically all day.
“Okay.” Corey got up to go and gave me a tap on my shoulder as he was leaving.
I had some serious thinking to do. I just didn’t know if I had the strength, because my worst enemy here was myself.
* * *
Amy
* * *
I felt like screaming. Screaming and crying.
The desolate hole in my heart was getting bigger and I was at my wits’ end.
It was a mistake calling Dr. Carson because he’d only come down hard on me with some serious home truths. Put simply, my mother was dying and if I didn’t do what I needed her chance of life was next to none.
He hadn’t been able to give me any form of estimate on how long the stent would last, or the maximum length of time Mom could wait because she needed the bypass as urgent as yesterday.
