Page 65 of Play of Love
“Okay, well just remember I’m the real deal. And heck, I saw you first.”
“Oh Lord.” She rolled her eyes and walked into the office. “Don’t keep him waiting,” she called back over her shoulder.
No, I wouldn’t. I’d kept Dad waiting long enough. For months.
I entered the living room and looked across at my father sitting in the armchair. He I straightened up on seeing me and offered a smile. I sat in front of him and tried to think of what to say.
“How are you doing?” Dad asked.
“Better.” I had made a full turnaround of my life. When I looked back to the mess of a person I was weeks ago, it made me feel good that I’d accomplished so much. I was training with the team and doing incredibly well with them, I’d given up alcohol completely and had done a full course of treatment with a therapist who’d worked wonders with me, and I didn’t have that doomed outlook I used to have of life. I was by no means a hundred percent, quite far from it, but I hoped to get there one day. Seeing my father was the last challenge. I’d geared myself up for the last few days to call him and planned to do it tomorrow, but this was good, even though I was still uneasy as hell.
“I’m happy to hear that.” My father nodded.
“How are you doing?” The last time I was this close to him, I’d watched him sob by the gravesite, inconsolable. It was one of the most heart-wrenching moments of my life.
“Better too. Clarissa’s birthday was hard.” I nodded. “Everything’s been hard, but what’s been harder is not seeing you. I really, really miss my son.”
Sometimes I wondered how he could offer me such pure, unrequited love that was never ending and unconditional. Especially since I had treated him so badly. He’d called me every day, and I had cowered away, hiding under my grief.
“I miss you, too, Dad.” I focused on him, focusing on the wealth of love I saw displayed in my father’s eyes and felt a sense of calm fill me. “I’m sorry for not coming to see you.”
“Son, I understand why you took everything so hard. I do, but you have to stop shutting me out. I’ve tried to do what works for you. I’ve stayed away, I’ve tried to visit, I’ve called you, and now I’m here.” He sounded desperate.
I pulled in a breath. “I know.” I wanted to make sure I explained my feelings to him in the best way. “I didn’t want to shut you out.” I brought my hand up to my chin. “I felt guilty for everything. It felt like I killed Mom and Clarissa. I felt guilty for taking away the lives of the people you loved so much.”
“That’s not true.” He shook his head. “And you know I love you too.”
“I know.” My father’s love was something I’d never doubted. I just believed I was undeserving of it. “But unlike me, Clarissa was like some magical being who had the ability to spread joy, happiness, and love wherever she went, and Mom was your everything. I felt like I took them away from you.” I brought my hands up to my temples as the vein there throbbed under the pressure of my memories.
Dad moved over to sit next to me and rested his hand on my shoulder. “Talk to me. Talking is good.” He offered a soothing smile.
I looked at him and took a moment to steady my emotions. “Mom was the love of your life. You loved her to no end, and I saw you fall in love with her every day. Not many people can say that about their parents, and not many people find love like that. I felt like I took her away from you. Their lives were taken away because of me and football.”
My father shook my head and patted my shoulder. “It’s easy to blame yourself. But it wasn’t your fault. I blamed myself too. I was the father, the husband. I didn’t have a big game to worry about. You just wanted them there to watch you and be proud like we always were. There was nothing wrong with that. But I could have taken charge and told them not to come, not to drive after a storm. I could have done that. Josh, in all honesty, it was me who should have taken better care. But I never thought anything would happen.” He wiped away a tear that ran down his cheek.
I looked him over, finding it hard to believe that he’d blamed myself too. It was the same for him. The same for anyone who loved my mother and sister, and felt like they could have done something different to change the course of events.
“It wasn’t your fault, Dad.”
“I know.” He steadied his breathing. “And that’s the most important thing to realize. These things really do just happen, and we have to remember that they wouldn’t want us to suffer the way we have. It will make all the happiness we shared count for nothing.”
I nodded in complete agreement. “We should go to the cemetery together. Maybe we could go once a month.”
“Yes. I think that’s a great idea.” Dad smiled. “I’ll be there for all your games, too, as usual, and we can support each other.”
“I’d like that. I think this season is going to be different than any other.”
“I see you’re playing the Centaurs first.”
“Yep, they are serious talent. But I think the season will be different because I’m different.”
“I see.” My father smiled.
I was different. I was taking things more seriously and trying to do everything by the book. I was trying to change in other ways, too. I looked towards the door and thought of Amy. It was her that helped me to get to this point. She helped in a tremendous way that I couldn’t have been more grateful for.
Dad followed my gaze and a soft smile spread across his lips. “So, is that a new girlfriend?”
I looked back to him “Oh…um no. She’s my…” It didn’t seem right to call her my PA. Besides being insanely attracted to her, Amy had done a lot for me. She’d also awakened something in me that I never thought existed. She wanted slow and I wasn’t used to that. But if I had any sort of chance with her I’d grab the hell out of it. “She’s my PA,” I decided to say.
