Page 6 of Play of Love
That was all they were to me. If I had the courage I would have taken my life the same day I found out my mother and sister had been killed. There were several reasons to want to end it all.
Guilt and shame were in the lead. If they hadn’t been trying to get to my game then they’d still be alive. If I wasn’t the arrogant bastard that I was I wouldn’t have insisted that they travel after such a terrible storm. I would have understood that safety came first when you cared about the ones you loved. Nothing could fully describe the guilt and shame I felt, and it only intensified when I thought of my father. For that reason, I stayed away from him. I didn’t bother. Why should I? I was the reason that the best two people on this Earth no longer lived. I’d been the cause for taking away the love of his life and his precious daughter.
So, the next reason for wanting to exit this world was simply that I couldn’t stand it anymore, I couldn’t stand the guilt and shame that only got worse with each passing day.
I only hadn’t done it because for some reason, some crazy reason, I thought it would disappoint my mother. It was ironic and laughable because the way I lived now would be a sure disappointment to her, but if I took my life that would be the end.
No more chances. No more anything.
I dug my toes into the softness of the sand, still damp from the retreating tide. Gazing out to the horizon in the distance I found myself momentarily lost in the vibrant hues the sun cast against the sky and the striking blue waters. It reminded me of Italy and spending summers there as a child with my grandparents. I supposed they’d remember me too.
I was thinking too much again, which meant I was beginning to sober up.
“Josh, not in front of people,” Allegra giggled as I kissed the swells of her breasts and tried to pull the straps of her bikini top down.
“Let’s go make use of one of Ty’s rooms.” Ty was one of the team’s wide receivers.
I looked across to my teammates who were playing a mean game of volleyball. A round of laughter erupted as Scott tripped Ty up.
“Don’t you want to wait for Cindy?” Allegra’s large brown eyes sparkled in the bright sun.
“No, let’s go. She can join us later.” I ran my hands up her thighs and hooked my finger in the edge of her bikini thong.
“That’s fine by me.” She hopped off my leg and took my hand to pull me up.
Corey approached us as I stood. “Hey man, you aren’t going yet are you?” He asked.
I smiled and tried to balance myself. “Not yet, bro.”
“You joining us next week for the team meeting?” Corey asked, looking hopeful.
The guys met up every week for one thing or another. Aside from being good teammates, we were all friends. I used to join them before my life went to hell. Now I’d go to parties where the setting was like this, with a lot of people. That way I could blend in and come and go. I could avoid questions and their looks of concern and worry.
I’d never been able to avoid Corey, however, in any setting. I had known Corey for a long time; we went to high school together, played football there and in college. I guessed I could say that we played for the same team now, too, even though technically I didn’t really play anymore. I hadn’t since that terrible day when my mother and sister were taken from me.
“Nah man. I’m just here.”
“Why don’t you come for a little while?”
I couldn’t think of anything worse than a team meeting. I couldn’t go. I couldn’t imagine sitting with the other Gladiators and Coach Simpson in their meeting room at the stadium talking about last season, which I didn’t take part in, and the upcoming season. I just couldn’t bear the thought of it. I only needed to touch a football and I’d remember all that my parents went through to make it possible for me to get to play pro ball for a leading national team. And by the same token, the same memory triggered how I put football above the lives of my family. It was a double-edged blade for me, and I didn’t know what to do about that.
Allegra slipped her arms around me and rested her head on my chest. Corey cut her a sharp glance. He didn’t like her. Never had, and it didn’t look like he ever would.
“How about I think about it,” I slurred.
“You said that last time.”
I didn’t remember that. My memory was very hazy these days. I liked it that way.
“This time I will promise you, hand on heart, that I’ll think about it,” I chuckled, running my hand along Allegra’s waist.
“Cool. We miss you, man.”
My team needed me. I could tell. I’d helped them win the year before last and I understood that my absence was missed.
I played for the Dolphins for four years before I got signed by the Gladiators. It was then that I actually felt like I was part of a team. They were my friends too, my real friends.
I’d known a majority of them for just over five years and I had to admit that I missed them too. I missed playing with them, missed the crazy stunts they’d pull on the field. I glanced over at Gage Montgomery, the Gladiators’ quarterback, as he served the volleyball straight in Scott’s face and started to laugh. I would have laughed, too, if I was in a better mood.
