Page 136 of Play of Love
“That’s okay.”
“Baby, you look beautiful, really beautiful.”
“Thanks. You too. I mean, you look great, too.” I couldn’t think straight, and my head was ringing with the truth , warning me away from the man I wanted to be with.
“What’s the matter?” he looked concerned.
“Nothing. I…” I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk about this now. I didn’t want to talk about how I felt.
“Abi, if you’re worried about us, don’t. How would you feel about me going back to New York with you? When we leave here, I could go back to New York. We can have another road trip. I have a few weeks before camp, and I want to spend it with you. And not just those weeks. I’d try to be with you whenever I can. I want to be with you.”
I would have been thrilled to hear those words if not for the fear that overwhelmed me. The fear that took me back years ago when I left him. The fear made me shake my head, much to his surprise.
“No,” I heard myself say. “You can’t.”
“What?” The crestfallen look on his face and in his eyes pained my heart, but I couldn’t go back on my words.
“Scott, you can’t come to New York with me.”
“Why? Baby, why? I thought that you… Look, I know we said fun. We definitely said that, and it was fun. But then it changed, and it wasn’t just about fun. I didn’t want this thing between us to be just for the wedding. If that’s what it was for you, then I… I guess I’d have to respect that and, understand.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I wish, though, that it could have been. I wish to God that it could have been and that I had no feelings for you.”
“What’s the problem then? I don’t understand.”
“We did this before, and it didn’t work. I’m me, and you’re you. Scott, I don’t know how we lasted as long as we did before, but I knew you didn’t want to be with me. I know that maybe it was because I was Margo’s friend why you just kept me there like I was part of the furniture.”
“No, God, no. I’m sorry if I made you feel like that. I was a complete jerk.
Things will be different now. I’m different. I am. Abi, surely you can see that I’m different. We’re different.” He looked desperate.
But I shook my head. “Scott, you hurt me. You hurt me so badly.” That was it; the tears came again. “Every time you looked at me, you looked at me like I was nothing to you. And, worse, I’ll always remember how relieved you looked when I told you I was leaving you, and then you never came after me.”
“I’m sorry, Abi.”
“I believe you, but I can’t risk putting myself through that again. It will be worse for me if I do.”
“I swear it will be different. If you want me to beg, I will.”
“No, Scott.”
“How do you know it will be worse? How can you know?”
My heart ached even more when I watched a tear ran down his cheek. “Because I love you. And I didn’t know until yesterday just how much. If you break me like you did before, I won’t be able to come back from that.”
Shock filled his face at my declaration. “Babydoll…” he reached out to me, but I stepped away from him. I gulped hard, hot tears spilling down my cheeks. It was too much. I couldn’t do this and, with only a few minutes until we had to do wedding pictures, I needed to go and get my head together. Before he could say anything else, I rushed away from him.
* * *
Scott
* * *
What happened? How could that have happened?
I thought things would be simple, that I could show Abi I was willing to make every effort to be with her, and that would fix it. I was stupid to think that.
Fuck.Why had I been such a stupid jerk in the past? Why did I treat her like she was nothing? Why couldn’t I have seen that she was everything and that I would never be able to find anyone like her?
