Page 100 of Play of Love
Amy
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I walked to Gabriella’s house. I couldn’t stop the tears that poured out of my weeping, tortured soul.
Once again I had that feeling of being in an abstract painting, trying to feel my way around the twists and turns so I could find a straight path of sense.
My biggest fear had leapt out of my head and presented itself before me like a display.
Gabriella took me in and took care of me. I was inconsolable by the time I got there and even after the days that passed. It felt like years, like several years had gone by, and still I cried.
I always knew I would never be enough for him and that he would get bored of me at some point.
That was what my mind told me. But yet, my heart still yearned for him. It told me to believe him.
Josh didn’t stop calling me, and every time my phone rang I had to force myself to ignore it. I had to force myself to reckon with truth.
It didn’t escape me that the only man to tell me that he loved me was the one I just walked away from, and the only one I ever wanted. But that didn’t matter.
It was a cruel joke on my life.
That weekend as I looked for apartments Mom called. At first I thought it was Josh, so I let the phone ring out, but then it rang again and I answered it when I saw it was her.
“Hey sweet girl.”
I just managed to say hello. After that another round of tears took over and I couldn’t stop crying. Mom tried to calm me but it didn’t work.
It took a while for me to compose myself enough to tell her what had happened.
“I can’t believe I was so stupid.” I dabbed my eyes with a Kleenex.
“Amy, calm down, sweetheart. You aren’t stupid. There’s no harm in being cautious.”
“I saw how Dad affected you and I allowed myself to fall into the same trap.”
“Amy, listen to me, sweet girl.Youare not me. You are not me.” I didn’t think I’d ever heard her sound so firm. “Now tell me again, clear this up for me. Josh said he would never cheat on you, told you he loves you, and you honestly don’t believe him?” When she put it that way it sounded terrible.
“Mama, he was with that Allegra. You don’t understand. That was the woman he was with when I first met him. They were always together. The minute I saw her I remembered what it used to be like and it made me sick.Andshe was naked. What else should I think? What else should I believe?”
“Sweetie, I understand what you’re saying. I do, but I want you to be sure that what you saw was indeed what happened. If it’s as you said then no, you definitely can’t be with him, but it doesn’t make sense to me that he’d chase after you if he didn’t love you.”
I clutched the phone to the side of my face as I listened. I knew Josh, and knew he didn’t do anything he didn’t want to do.
Mom pulled in a breath before she continued. “My love, it’s best to be sure with these things, because if there is any question in your mind, honey, if you think even just a little bit that he might be telling the truth, you’ll live to regret leaving him.”
I sucked in a sharp breath and stilled my shaking hands. She always had a way of speaking directly to my mind.
“I don’t know anymore.” I shook my head.
“Sweet girl, you know, you just can’t see past what happened and you’re scared you’ll become like me. I wish that I could have been a stronger woman and shown you that real love is hard to come by and you should cherish it when you have it. I was foolish and too wrapped up in wishing that your father would come back. What I should have done is move on. You need to ask yourself if you can trust Josh.” She sighed. “And if you can, then youshouldbelieve him. It doesn’t matter if what you saw looked like he was cheating on you with that woman. If you trust him and he said he didn’t, then told you he loved you, then you should believe him.”
I closed my eyes as another wave of tears hit me. In my mind’s eye I traced back all the events that had happened over the last year. A whole year and some months had passed since I’d known Josh. I remembered the first time he kissed me, the time he told me needed me, the time he saved me from those awful men in that disgusting downtown apartment. I remembered how he handled them and got my stuff back, how he said he’d take care of me . Then he made it possible for me to make my dress, gave me somewhere safe to live, saved my mother from sure death, asked me to be his, and…told me he loved me.
All Josh had ever done was show me his heart.
As I opened my eyes I remembered how he pleaded with me to believe him. He thought I should be able to look at him and know if he was telling the truth. Ishouldhave, and I knew right then as it all sunk in that hewastelling me the truth.
“Mama, I’m going to sort this out. You’re right. You’re so right.”
