Page 70 of Blossoms of the Heart
While she stared out the window, I got lost in my thoughts trying to determine when would be best to talk. Right now I was too angry. Angry at myself.
Tomorrow was best. I would have calmed down by then.
I’d do it when I got back from Akiyoshido, just like I planned before the debacle of this weekend began.
When I pulled up on the curb outside her block she turned to face me and smiled.
“Do you want to come up, or maybe stay over?” She asked, seduction oozed from the stare. “You look tense. Sex could loosen you up.”
When I glowered at her, her smile slipped. “Jesus Christ you want me to sleep with you?” Fuck it. Talking couldn’t wait until tomorrow. Now. We had to talk right the hell now. “Candace we need to talk.”
She immediately tensed.
“Talk?”
I sighed. “Yes. Candace I can’t do this. I can’t give us another chance because I don’t feel it. When you left I moved on. It isn’t fair to force yourself on me, or offer up sex.” I didn’t mean to sound harsh but I had to tell her.
“It’s her… it’s her, isn’t it?” She breathed , shaking her head.
“Her, who’s her?” Of course I knewherhad to be Phoebe.
“Phoebe.” She snapped. “You seemed to be considering the idea until she came.”
“This isn’t about Phoebe.” That wasn’t true, but I didn’t want to confess that to her.
I couldn’t act like my feelings for Phoebe had nothing to do with my decision.
Before Phoebe came to Japan I admittedly contemplated it but it was clear to me now that I didn’t want to be with Candace. If I did then nothing should have been able to change my mind.
“I saw the way you looked at her. You never looked at me like that. And this history you two have. You never mentioned her once when we were together. Sounded like she meant more to you. Why didn’t you ever talk about her?”
The answer to that was not something I wanted to talk about. I locked Phoebe away and tried to get on with my life. My reason for doing that was something I wouldn’t even admit to myself.
“Candace. Listen to me –”
“I still love you.” She cut in. A tear ran down her cheek. “I never stopped, and you loved me once. We had a life together. I’ve been here trying my hardest to be with you. You don’t want to go on a date with me and you don’t want to see me. You tell me you’ll think about getting back together but you haven’t done anything.”
“I was clear from the start that I needed time. Doing those things would have sent the wrong message.”
“What? The message that you were trying? That’s all I asked you to do. Try. Consider it. Tai, It’s been three weeks.” Her voice was heavy with pain. Pain I caused.
“Candace, you broke up with me and I moved on.”
“Is this really it? When you said you loved me all those times didn’t you mean it?”
“No. I meant it.” I would never say anything like that and not mean it.
“But I mean nothing to you now?”
She was turning this into something it wasn’t.
“You know that’s not the case.”
“That’s how I feel. If it was you I would at least show you that I gave some thought and effort.” More tears came and I felt like a complete jerk. “Please, I just told you I love you, can you just give it some more time? It was only days ago that we spoke. Only days. Wednesday. You can’t have decided something so important in such little time. Please can you give it more time Tai?” A tremor touched her lips.
Begging. Her words made my stomach clench. She shouldn’t have to beg me for anything.
How could I tell her no?
