Page 135 of Blossoms of the Heart
I started by telling her what happened then suddenly I found myself telling her about what happened when I was eighteen.
When mom found me with Tai and crushed my heart.
Her expression when I was done was nothing but concern and sadness for me.
“Phoebe I can’t believe you never told me all of that. I always wondered if something ever happened between you and Tai. It made sense that it would. He always adored you.”
“Mitsuke I never had him back then and he’s not mine now. Mom told him to stay away from me, and I never came back to Japan to see what could have happened between us. Now that I’m here I see what we would have been and he’s still not mine.”
“How can you say that?”
“He want’s kids Mitsuke. You should have seen the way that he looked at me. It was with hope that we’d be more.” I’d be a fool not to realize that. he’d asked me to stay in Japan and said he’d go to Chicago if it was me who was asking. The man’s serious about me.
“It’s perfectly obvious what you need to do.”
I was shaking my head before she could say it.
“You need to talk to him. Have an honest conversation with him. Phoebe. This is Tai we’re talking about. You know how he feels about you.”
I covered my mouth as fresh tears came.
I was scared, so fucking scared.
I didn’t want to feel rejected.
I didn’t want to feel damaged.
I wasn’t damaged.
I could still love with my heart and soul, I could still be everything I could be.
The emotional damage Jason put me through pained me to my soul.
But Tai…
If he had to tell me that he couldn’t be with me because he wanted his own children it would kill me.
“I can’t. I can’t do it Mitsuke. I just can’t.”
She pulled me into her arms as the tears came again.
* * *
Don’t get too close.
That was the solution.
That was what I came up with.
It was the worst idea ever, I knew that. Completely knew that, but that was my solution.
I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to let Tai go, so I had to suffer the consequences and ride out what not getting close would do to us.
I figured though it was the better option of the two evils. Better I allow things to frazzle out and allow him to think that it wouldn’t have worked out long term between us than to tell him I couldn’t have kids and he reject me.
That way we could enjoy what we could of each other.
Sleep never came because my mind was working over time trying to piece together how I could pull it all off.
