Page 151 of Divorced from Number Thirty-Eight
I can’t allow her to move.
I can’t lose her completely.
But…I can’t keep her either.
Because if I do?—
I close my eyes as pain slices through me, stealing my breath…but not taking the most agonizing thought of all?—
That it doesn’t matter what I want…
I’ve already lost her.
Forty-Eight
Faye
My phone rings, and though I’ve gotten better about stifling the blip of hope—and subsequent lash of pain—that rises each and every time a call comes through…
It’s still there.
“It’ll get better soon,” I whisper, even though I know that’s a lie. Then I take a breath, and seeing Luna’s name on the screen, I swipe to answer the call.
But I barely get my “Hello?” out before she’s shouting.
“Turn on your TV. Now!”
“Wh-what?”
“Faye. Turn on any cable network. Right fucking now.”
I don’t ask why, just reach for the remote…which is on Gray’s nightstand.
It was unwise to spend another night at his house. I hadn’t made it to the guest room. Instead, I pulled on my Grizzlies jersey went to his room, and?—
Slept with his name between my shoulder blades.
One more night with him.
With his scent all around me, pretending the jersey was his big, strong body cuddling me close. Convincing myself I tried hard to fight for him, that I did all I could, that I can’t keep pushing when I’m not wanted.
All the while, thinking this last week has been the biggest mistake of my life.
Giving up.
Letting him walk away.
Praying for him to come back when I could just get on a plane and make him see our love it too important to let go of.
Because, God, I miss him.
The way his beard catches on the strands of my hair, how his spice fills my nose and the way his lips move on mine, his hard body and soft voice…
Which is coming from the speakers of the television.
Gasping, I turn up the volume.
“…I got in the habit of not discussing my personal life,” Gray says and my heart hurts at how tired he looks, how uncomfortable. “It’s because of my reticence to trust the media that Faye refrained from sharing our relationship with the world, and it’s because of me that her job is being threatened.”
