Page 134 of Divorced from Number Thirty-Eight
And—God—I want them to let them keep me with her now. But?—
“You know I can’t stay,” I rasp, turning to face her, wrapping my arms tightly around her, burying my face in her hair, her neck.
Taking this one final moment to hold her.
“You promised,” she whispers, hands clenching at my shirt, nails biting into my skin. “You promised you wouldn’t hurt me again.”
I did.
And this hurts—it fucking kills. But if I don’t do this now, don’t end this here today…
It will only get worse.
Until Faye is…
Until she’s not my Faye anymore.
Until everything she is, everything she loves is ripped away from her.
So…better to hurt her today than ruin her tomorrow.
“I have to, baby.”
“Why?” she asks, tears glimmering in her eyes.
“You know why.”
Her throat works. Her chin lifts. “Tell me.” A demand. An order.
One I can’t ignore. “I ruin people.” I smooth my hand up and down her back, knowing I have to let her go, have to step away…just not quite able to do it yet. “I can’t do it again—not to you.”
She touches my jaw, her expression swimming with pain. “You’re not ruining me, honey. You’ve saved me.”
“The evidence is there, Red. It’s already begun and—” The video. Her book. I shake my head. “It has to be now.”
Because if I don’t do it now…
I won’t have the strength to let her go later.
“Gray.” She presses closer and I can’t stop myself from wiping away her tears. “You gave me a family. Gave me safety and security and made is so I won’t ever be alone.” She covers my hand with hers. “Don’t make me live a life with you not in it.”
“I don’t want that, baby.”
“So, God, why are you doing this?”
A broken question.
One that eviscerates me.
Fuck, the idea of not holding her as I fall asleep, of not having her baking in my kitchen, of not seeing her smiles, hearing her beautiful laughter, touching that silky skin…
I want to tear my hair out, punch my fist into the tree that’s sending patterns of dappled sunshine on her face and hair and body. I want to tilt my head back and scream until my voice is gone, until the pain is gone.
But I know it won’t disappear that easily.
Know that this will be an agony I carry to my grave.
Yes, this will hurt Faye—it is hurting her—but she’ll move on, she’ll have Luna and the others, and she won’t be alone.
