Page 21 of Three Pucking Words
Deep down, I think I knew he wasn’t as attracted to me anymore. His eyes wouldn’t roam over me with lust like they used to, but something else. Disappointment? Hesitation? I couldn’t be sure exactly. He’d never told me outright that hewasn’t into me, it was an unspoken truth that lingered between us as the intimacy died out.
For Christmas one year, he got us both a gym membership so we could go together. But whenever he’d drag me along, the thirty minutes walking on the treadmill was never enough for him. He’d act like my personal trainer rather than my husband.
Ten more minutes.
Five more reps.
You’re giving up too easily.
Ironic, if you think about it.
Becausehegave up too easily onus.
Mila is right, though. None of that is okay. If he truly understood the daily battle my body went through, maybe it would have been different. We could have tried therapy—tried to make it work.
Or maybe we were a Taylor Swift song waiting to happen. We were a balled up piece of paper that would never be perfect again no matter how much we tried fooling ourselves into believing it.
My best friend takes the papers and sets them on a different counter to regain my attention. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but those are your new beginning. Once you sign your name on the line and get those bitches sent back to the lawyer, you can officially move forward. No more dwelling on the past or Max Decker. It’s all up from here, babes.”
Nibbling the inside of my cheek, I sit straighter and blow out a breath. “I know. I just wish I knew what life had in store for me from here. I hate the unknown. I’m too much of a control freak for that.” Mila frowns, but before she can give me any words of wisdom, I say, “My job application got rejected at two different companies, so I’m still unemployed. And I don’t have my driver’s license back thanks to the regulations set by New York DMV that says I have to be seizure free for at least one year before Ican legally drive again, so that rules out moving for a job I can’t commute to.”
As much as I understand the rules, that doesn’t make them suck any less. My freedom has been taken from me in every way, shape, and form. Being back in the city means having plenty of transportation options, so it’s the one place I don’t have to worry about getting places. The problem with the city is that the high demand for employment makes every field competitive. The two jobs I actually wanted turned me away almost instantly, leaving me back to square one.
Mila perks up. “You could always work at the restaurant. My parents would hire you in a heartbeat and it’s close to the subway.”
As sweet as the offer is, we both know that wouldn’t work out. “I’d be a horrible waitress, and I’m pretty sure people would be weirded out if there was an animal walking in and out of the kitchen, whether it was a service dog or not.”
Mila hums thoughtfully. “My mom mentioned trying to do more social media work to gain more traction for their business. Maybe we could talk to her about a position for online marketing or something. That way you could do it from wherever. There’s a bedroom free in the apartment above the restaurant too.”
“Don’t you and GiGi live there?” I love Mila, but I don’t need to hear her having sex. She likes to talk about how vocal her girlfriend is during it.
“Yeah, but it’ll be like old times! Remember when we swore we’d live together one day and rule the city.”
I do remember that. “That was when we were young and naïve and thought fifty dollars was a lot of money. And while I appreciate the offer, I don’t think moving to Brooklyn is a good idea. If I wanted to do that, I’d go back to the condo.”
I haven’t been to my mother’s place in a long time. It’s not a far walk from Mila’s Bistro, but it brings back one too many badmemories growing up. Times of drunken parties and strangers coming in and out of the front door. Or that time I locked myself in my closet when a weird man with a scabby face stumbled into my room and passed out on my bed.
Going back there is a big no go, even if it means a free place to stay closer to more opportunities.
“I’ll think about it,” I tell her, although I think we both know I’ve already made up my mind. “In the meantime, I just need to do more research on what’s out there for work.”
“Have you looked into photography gigs?”
I frown, playing with the fruit on my plate. “No. I haven’t touched my camera in years.”
Anger pulls at her lips when I peek upward at her silence. “That’s because Max encouraged you not to go through with your studio. But maybe you could start one here. Your pictures are beautiful, H. You’d have an audience.”
I shake my head. “It’s too saturated here. New York City is the land of starving artists. I wouldn’t make nearly as much money as I could have in Illinois.”
That only makes her angrier for me and the chance that my ex convinced me to pass on. I’m just as much at fault, though.
Mila rubs her lips together, and I can tell what she’s thinking when a hesitant expression crosses her face. “You could always ask your fath—”
“No” I cut her off before she can finish the suggestion. “I already live with my father. I don’t need to work for him too.”
“Technically,” she corrects, “you’d be working for theteam. And how cool would that be? Even if you only stayed for a season, that’s the kind of ammo that would look amazing on a future application. I bet plenty of people would be willing to hire you then.”
I cringe. Using my father’s connections isn’t how I want to get hired. Then I’d feel like I owe him, and living here is alreadyhovering over my head. “I don’t know, Mila. I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.”
