Page 101 of Three Pucking Words
If I had admitted to Bodhi on day one that we had a past, would he have been as understanding as he was last night? We’ve gotten to know each other better than when we first met, so he cares about how I feel now than when I all but bolted the second he gave me the opportunity to at the aquarium. Things with us are different.
Better.
Scarier.
“Good morning,” I hear from behind me, before a pair of lips press against the back of my shoulder.
I look over my shoulder at Bodhi as he looks down at me. There’s no sign of sleep hanging onto his features the way they do mine. “How long have you been awake?”
He smiles. “A while. My internal alarm, which looks oddly like my six-year-old daughter, usually gets me up early. Depends how hungry she is.”
His arm doesn’t move as I turn to face him, and I feel something very long and very hard brush against my leg in the process.
Bodhi clears his throat, trying to move his hips away from me. Is he blushing? “Sorry. That was bound to happen when I slept next to a beautiful woman all night.”
My eyebrows jump up my forehead. “I’ve been upgraded to beautiful now, huh?”
He rolls his eyes. “I’ve wanted to say it before, but I didn’t want you getting scared if I was too forward about it. You would have gotten scared and ran off.”
I really hate when he’s right.
“So,” he says softly, moving hair out of my face. He must not be afraid of morning breath, because he gets closer. “Did you really have a crush on me all this time?”
I groan, covering my face with my hands. “I can’t believe I admitted that to you. Do you know how long Mila gave me shit for that?”
He chuckles and peels my hands away. “I find it quite flattering.”
I glare at him. “Of course you do.”
He smooths a thumb over my cheek with a warm smile lighting his face up. “I don’t want you to be embarrassed. Thefact that I could give you any sort of relief from the life you were living, any type of happiness you weren’t getting from him, makes me happier than you can ever understand, honey. I wish that I was in a better headspace back then to remember every detail. I’d been so caught up in becoming a dad that everything else seemed so…”
The way he shakes his head tells me he doesn’t even have the right words to describe it.
“You did seem a bit distraught. But it’s understandable if it wasn’t a planned thing. You were dedicated to hockey. A kid has the potential to throw a wrench into those plans, but I’d say you’ve managed pretty well.”
A thoughtful look crosses over his face. “It’s funny how something you thought could be the end of your life actually makes it so much better. Gem might not have been planned, but she was exactly what I needed. If it weren’t for her, I’d be living at the bottom of a bottle. Coach might have had to let me go. I was barely living. I was existing and pretending like everything was fine when it wasn’t. Becoming a father…” His throat bobs and hid faraway look makes me wonder what memories he’s thinking of. “It saved me.”
A watery feeling rises up my throat. Am I seriously about to cry right now? No.Nope. “You really know how to tug on the heart, don’t you?”
He swipes his thumb under my lash line to capture the single tear that I don’t manage to hold back. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head, feeling a little pathetic for being so emotional. “I’m not sad or anything. I used to try picturing Max as a father. He knew I wanted at least one kid, but we agreed that we weren’t ready. And the longer we waited, and the worse our relationship got, it made it harder and harder for me to see him as a dad. Which sounds awful.”
He shakes his head. “It doesn’t, Honor.”
“I was married to someone who I couldn’t picture having children with. That makes it seem like Max was some terrible human being. And it’s not like he’s a saint or anything—”
Bodhi snorts, making me playfully swat him.
“—but it isn’t like he murdered someone either. He was always very career focused. A bit selfish and greedy. He definitely put himself first whenever he could, and I supported him. It made me wonder what he would be like if we had a kid. Would he show up for our future son? Our future daughter? Would he put the effort into being involved in their lives and hobbies? Could he be a better partner for me while I was pregnant or struggling to raise them?”
I close my eyes for a second, remembering how defeated I felt when I realized I could no longer see him in that role. It was a depressing reality that I knew would be a likely one. “Some people aren’t cut out to be parents, and he’s one of them. I think that might have been one of the final reasons I had to end it.”
Bodhi’s hand moves from my face to the back of my neck, cupping the nape of it lightly. “I’m sorry he made you question something that was important to you.”
All I can do is shrug. Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered. By then, I’d already had one foot out the door. Mentally, I was drained. Emotionally, I was exhausted. Physically, I could barely function. With Max, children seemed like the furthest concern from my mind. Without him, I thought I’d have a better chance at becoming a mother. But with my PCOS flaring up, I’m worried it’s a faraway dream.
I swallow. “Hearing you talk about the impact fatherhood had on you, it brought back those memories. It makes me see that some people are born to be parents. You’re definitely one of them.”
