Page 106 of Little Bird
I feel the break coming moments before it arrives, and I fly into Gabe’s arms, sobbing for reasons I don’t understand. Gabe, my best friend and my soulmate, wraps his big, strong arms around me and holds me against his body, murmuring words that don’t matter, and I turn my face into his chest and let the tears come crashing down. I feel another set of arms around me, another body behind me, and I know Gunner is here, too, lending his warmth and weight in an attempt to make me feel better. He’s speaking, as well, but I can’t listen to the words. I can’t even focus on the world around me.
All I can hear is the voices in my head telling me that I’ve ruined everything.
The truth is, now that my mother is gone, I don’t know what comes next. I just burned my bridge to New York, and I know I can never go back there. I could go to the city and avoid my mother’s house like the plague, but Johnny and his friends have eyes and ears everywhere, and they’ll know if I enter the city again.
I’ll be dead in moments for what happened here tonight.
I probably won’t get to graduate. I might never see my friends again.
I can never go home.
I strike that thought, though, because this is my home. Hawke’s Wood and the Hawke men. I’ve spent much of my life being dragged from one location to another, never able to settle and call any place a real home, but Gabe and Gunner changed that. They welcomed me in when no one else would, and though it took me longer than I would have liked, being here has reminded me to breathe. The men have taken me into their lives and given me their bodies and their hearts.
They are my home. I don’t need to go back to the city for that. I never want to leave this place.
And that thought brings me to the truth. I know why I’m crying, and it’s not my mother or not being allowed to go back to the city. It has nothing to do with my friends or graduating. It’s the fact that I want to stay here so badly my entire body is aching with it.
And I don’t know if I’m invited to do it, or if I’m going to be asked to leave after what happened. I literally brought the enemy to Gabe and Gunner’s doorstep, and they might think I’m too much drama. I come with too much baggage, and not only Helen and her gangsters, but my inability to sit still. The fact that I can’t mind my own business.
My habit of trying to cut my emotions out of my body rather than talk about them.
What if I’m too much trouble? Too complicated? Sure, they’ve been holding me for the past couple days, but what if that’s just an infatuation that is going to end?
Maybe they won’t want me anymore.
Maybe they’ll realize what everyone else has realized—that I’m not enough and don’t deserve that sort of love. The minute they realize that, I know they’ll ask me to leave.
Every thought brings more tears and soon my body is racked with sobs, spasming with grief and fear at what might happen to me. Yesterday, the day before, I was happy and safe and satisfied, and now my mother has come and taken it all away from me.
She may as well have taken me back to the city. She’s stripped me of all the joy I was holding before she arrived.
Gabe finally pushes me back and ducks down to look at me, his face streaked with the light from the moon. I see a flash of blue eyes and the deep creases in his forehead that tell me he’s worried, and though I fight to maintain eye contact, I can’t do it. I just put him in so much danger, and he would be right to hate me for it. I wouldn’t blame him if he did.
He puts his fingers under my chin, though, and tips my face up to force me to look at him. When I finally do, he moves his fingers to my cheek and traces the tracks of the tears.
“Why the fuck are you crying so hard?” he asks quietly. “The bad guys left. You’re safe.”
But I’m not. I might be safe from the bad guys, but I’m not safe at all until I know whether Gabe and Gunner blame me for what just happened.
Until they tell me they’re not going to make me leave.
Some voice in my head tells me that I’m being insane and paranoid, and that they’ve never said anything about making me leave, even when they weren’t sure why I was here. The truth is they just stood up to men with guns for me. They brought reinforcements to make sure my mother couldn’t force me to leave.
But my fear is bigger than that voice, and the more it rises up, the stronger it gets, until I’m shaking with anxiety, my teeth practically chattering with it.
Gabe searches my face and then looks at his father, like he needs backup. When Gunner steps behind Gabe and looks at me as well, his face concerned and brow creased, I realize that I’m being unfair.
If I’m going to break down in front of them, I have to be grownup enough to tell them why.
I have to let them see the fear I’ve been living with most of my life.
I take a breath, try to stop crying, and start talking.
“It’s my fault,” I start. “All my fault. I should have told you earlier what was happening. I should have stopped my mother and Johnny. If they didn’t come here, they never would have been able to threaten you. And if you… if you want me to leave…” My voice breaks on that word, and I have to force myself to keep going. “If you want me to leave, I?—”
I can’t finish. I want to say that my mother has never loved me and I don’t believe Gabe and Gunner will, either, and that I don’t blame them if they don’t.
But I owe them more than silence.
