Page 69 of Rock & Roll Nights: The Lila and Rivers Edit
The first thing I remembered the next morning when I woke up was what I’d done at the party.
The second thing I remembered was the look on Lila’s face after I finished my announcement. She’d looked both shocked and resigned, like she’d suspected I might do exactly this and couldn’t believe I was going through with it. Her cheeks had flushed, her eyes going from deep and sad to something a whole lot more determined. Like she wasn’t going to let me get away with what I’d already decided on doing.
Though I noticed she hadn’t come after me when I left.
I breathed out slowly at that, letting it hit me right in the heart. I hadn’t wanted the company—not when I’d already made up my mind to leave the tour and everything included in the music industry behind—but I had to admit that I’d thought she’d follow me. It was just soherto see a problem and be certain she could fix it. She’d been that way from the moment I met her, and though I hadn’t thought she could ever actually fix me, there was a small part of me that had evidently been hoping she’d keep trying.
Maybe even that she’d succeed.
That part had died last night, though, when it waited around outside for an hour before finally realizing that she wasn’t going to show up. I didn’t know why she’d stayed inside. Maybe she’d realized that she couldn’t save me no matter how much she tried. Or maybe she’d just come to the conclusion that I didn’t want to be saved—that I was on my way to the bottom, where I’d always known I’d end up, and that I wasn’t going to accept anyone trying to stop me.
Though I guessed there was a possibility that it wasn’t about me at all. She may have just realized that she had better things to do with her time. Or that she didn’t care enough about me to keep trying.
I jerked out of bed, hating the thought, and put it sharply to the side. Why was I even thinking about her? Why did I care if she’d decided she didn’t want to save me?
I didn’t need saving.
I didn’t care about her.
She was better off without me. In fact, I was glad if she’d realized that. Maybe now she could move on with her life and do something worth her time.
It wasn’t my problem.
Today, I had other things to do.
* * *
I looked out across the group of smiling faces and found myself grinning in a way I hadn’t smiled in a long time. God, I loved this part. Every time I went on tour I did my research ahead of time, cataloging the cities we’d be in and then searching for orphanages and group homes in the area. Most small towns didn’t have them, but every so often we played a city big enough to host these sorts of establishments, and when we did, I got to do my favorite part of the job.
“So where are you taking them?” one of the employees asked, her voice hushed.
I turned to see an older lady, her face lined by what I knew had to be a trying job full of stress, and gave her my most charming smile. Her eyes immediately went glossy with that starstruck look I knew so well.
Perfect.
“Bowling,” I said quickly. “There’s a bowling alley just down the street, and I figured it would be the perfect place. It’s big so there’s room for all of them.” I leaned toward her. “I also already have the place booked out for myself. And filled with gifts for them.”
Her face lit up at that, and I almost laughed. These kids didn’t have much of their own, and the places that hosted them were almost always underfunded. They might have wanted to do right by the kids, but they might also not have the money, and they never said no to a day out for the kids and plenty of gifts for them to bring home.
This was the best thing I could do with my money. I already had everything I needed: a house, a big bank account, and food to eat. I had my band—or at least I had—and I had a career. But all the rest of it? Millions in the bank that I’d probably never use?
I’d never been able to find anything I’d rather do with it than helping the kids who didn’t have a mom and dad to help them.
“We’ll get them ready,” she said breathlessly. “And organize chaperones.”
I nodded once and watched her walk away...then turned back to the kids to see Matt, Anna, and Lila standing in the doorway. Lila and Anna looked hesitant and nervous, like they didn’t know what the heck they were doing here.
Matt looked triumphant, the asshole. When his eyes met mine, he shrugged and grinned like he had zero regrets for whathe’d obviously done—telling the girls exactly where I’d be—and when his gaze slid sideways toward Lila, I followed it.
And found her looking at me like the fucking sun was shining out of my ass.
My heart stuttered and threatened to stop...and then started beating at triple its usual rate. I’d thought she was done with me after last night. That she’d given up and moved on. So seeing her here now, looking like I’d just become even more than she thought I might have been was...
It was like a balm to a soul that had been ripped to shreds.
And God, that scared me.
* * *
