Page 28 of Guitars and Mistakes
No, I realized. She wouldn’t have had to do that. She’d probably learned about it just this morning from Matt, that turncoat.
And she’d jumped right into it with both feet, ready to share herself with whoever needed a little sunshine in their lives. She wouldn’t have had to prepare. She just had to present herself. And she’d done it without thinking twice or looking back.
Because that was just who Lila Potter was.
RIVERS
Ikept the smile on my face and my hands to myself as long as the kids were there. I bowled and gave out gifts, shared plates of fries and made sure every boy and girl there had as much soda as they wanted. We had a day off from the tour and that meant I had all the time in the world to spend with them—lucky that it had matched up with a city where they had a group home—and I spent every last minute I had making sure the kids had a day they’d never forget.
And I made sure they each left with at least one stuffed animal in their arms.
As they were filing out, I made the call to my business manager. “Johnny, I need to set up a trust for the orphanage I just left. I want them to have plenty of food and a chance to go bowling once a month.”
Okay, so I didn’t think the food thing was completely necessary. But I also didn’t see any reason not to include it.
Johnny asked me a few questions—the name of the orphanage and what city it was in, along with how much I wanted to allocate to them every month. And then he told me he’d take care of it, and that was that. I hung up feeling a whole lot better about everything... and then turned to look for Lila. I’d noticed that Anna and Matt had left earlier, but I’d seen Lila still sitting with some younger girls, telling them a story, and had hoped that she’d stay the whole day.
I wanted to talk to her. More than that. I was yearning for it like a druggie who needed a hit. Itching to hear what she’d say about how we’d spent the day. I wondered if she had ideas for what I could do for these kids or thoughts about how we could have improved things.
I wondered if she had any idea why we’d done it at all.
I spun, my eyes grazing every inch of the now-darkening building while my heart thudded at the thought that she might have left while I wasn’t looking. Had she decided she’d had enough? Escaped before she had to face me and talk to me? Maybe this had just been a good deed for her; something that was for the kids, not for me. Maybe this had?—
But she was right there. I stopped moving and stared, the world around us growing still as I watched her. She was handing out stuffed animals to little kids on their way out the door, laughing with them and touching their noses with the stuffies before she handed them over. And when the last one stepped out and the door shut behind him, she stood for a moment watching the door like she was trying to process what had just happened. The only light in the area was right above her, highlighting her like she was on stage.
Like someone up above us wanted to make sure I could see her.
When she turned, her heart was in her eyes and her lips were parted, and I didn’t have to wonder what she was thinking. She’d been just as affected by the day as I had, and the memory wasn’t going to leave her anytime soon. She’d also been waiting for me to be alone. I didn’t know how I knew it but it was right there in front of me, a thought just waiting for me to grab it, and I reached for it, tucked it into my pocket, and started strolling toward her.
“You gave them quite a day,” she said, when I drew even with where she was.
I shrugged and looked at the door that had just closed. “They deserve more. I’ve set up a trust fund to make sure they get to come back once a month. And have plenty of food.”
I watched her out of the corner of my eye, seeing quite clearly the smile that bloomed over her face. “The Rivers Shine Good Deed Fund.”
“Don’t tell anyone,” I warned her, mock serious. “People will start to see through me.”
She threaded her fingers through mine and squeezed. “Probably not. But I think I’m starting to.”
I turned to her then to find her face tipped up to me, her eyes considering. She wasn’t shining. She didn’t look like she was about to beg me to take her home, like she had that first night when I met her. Instead, she looked like she wasactuallytrying to see through me. Like she was starting to realize that something she’d suspected all along was more true than she’d realized.
“Better be careful. I think the lady that runs the place is halfway in love with you already,” she murmured.
I snorted at that. “No she’s not. They all look that way when you give money to their organizations. It’s not what they’re used to.”
Lila tipped her head back and forth, considering. Then a corner of her mouth turned up. “She might not be, then. Other people, though...”
My body both froze and caught on fire at the same time. I felt like a live wire that was being doused in water. Ice that had somehow burst into flame. “Other people like who?”
“Well those kids, for starters. You’re going to be their idol for the rest of their lives. And the people who work with them. The people who work here, I bet.”
“And what about you?”
I couldn’t help it. I had to know. I knew I’d said I was no good for her and that she would be better off without me. I’d already started the paperwork to get myself out of the band and off this tour specifically so she could take my place. I didn’t doubt any of that. I knew it was the right thing.
But she was also standing right there in front of me, glowing up at me like a tiny sun, and it was impossible not to want her. I could tell myself until I was blue in the face that I was no good for her, but the part of me that wanted her to want me, that needed the sunshine and happiness she brought with her, refused to give up.
Fucking God, I wanted her to be halfway in love with me, and not only because of what I’d done for these kids today. I wanted Lila Potter to think of me in that way. I didn’t know how to turn that wish off... and I didn’t know if I wanted to.
