Page 40 of Guitars and Mistakes
I didn’t have any experience that matched up to what Rivers had been through.
God, I was a fool.
Richard slammed my back against the shed again, wiping my mind of the spiraling thoughts that had been running through it, and I grunted... and then started panicking again when his hand went to the waistband of my jeans.
Oh God, oh God, oh God, this couldn’t be happening. Anna and Matt were right on the other side of this shed and in the car, waiting like I’d asked them to. They hadn’t see me come out of the trailer though as I’d turned away from the car, wanting some time to think. They didn’t know I was back here, or that I was in trouble.
So I screamed again, hoping against hope that this time someone would hear me.
I’d barely closed my mouth on the scream when Richard suddenly disappeared.
I stumbled as his body vanished into thin air and hit the ground on my knees where he had been, looking up just in time to see Rivers throwing him to the side and snarling in his direction. Richard looked up at him, horrified, and then jumped to his feet and ran away, blubbering something about going right to the press with this.
I didn’t listen. I was too busy gasping again as Rivers picked me up and held me too him, his heart hammering under my ear and his breath raspy against my hair.
“Are you okay?” he whispered. “Oh God, Lila, did he hurt you?”
I swallowed and tried to get my voice to work. “I’m okay. He didn’t... He didn’t do anything. You got here. You saved me.”
I rocked back and looked up at him, the words shooting through me as I said them. “You saved me.”
Instead of looking relieved or proud of himself, though, or kissing me like I thought he was going to, Rivers closed his eyes and blew out slowly. He waited a beat, and then nodded to himself.
And took a step back.
“I wouldn’t have had to save you if it weren’t for mybrother.”
Wait, what?
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He opened his eyes and pinned me with them, looking like he was about to tell me the worst news anyone had ever told anyone, and suddenly I wanted to shut him up. Kiss him or slap my hand over his mouth; anything that would mean he couldn’t say what he was about to say. Because I didn’t have to hear it to know I wasn’t going to like it.
He stepped back again like he knew what I was thinking and needed to be out of my reach. And God, he looked like a man who had just signed his own death warrant. A man who was choosing to take that step even though he knew he was going to die once he reached his destination.
“It means that you wouldn’t have been in that position if you hadn’t brought me here, Lila. You would never have even met him if it wasn’t for me. And I don’t blame you for bringing me. Really, I don’t. You’re so pure and good that you must have thought if we could find my family, it would make everything okay, because your family always makes things okay for you. But that’s not who my family is. They never were. My mother left me with someone else because she didn’t want to take care of me on her own anymore. She never searched for me. She never wanted me back. She was only out for herself. Just like my brother is. And the thing is...”
He stopped and looked at me like he wanted me to tell him he didn’t have to say it. But then he kept talking before I could stop him.
“This is who I am, too. These people are my blood. I might have left them behind a long time ago but the things that drive them drive me, too. This is what I’ve come from. And I’m afraid I’ll never be able to escape that. I can’t change who I am, Lila. I can’t change what I do to people. But I’m not going to do it to you. I need you to get as far away from me as possible. Leave, and don’t come back. Stop trying to save me, because you can’t. Not even you, the wonderful, shining Lila Potter, can save me. I’m no good. I’m broken and you need to save yourself. Please.”
My heart shattered. I didn’t want to believe a word he was saying. It was so ridiculous, and so untrue. He wasn’t a bad person. He wasn’t broken. He’d just been through some things. But I could help him heal. I knew I could. It would just take a little bit of time, that was all. Time, and plenty of love.
But I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t going to give me that time. He didn’t believe he could heal, so he wasn’t going to give it a chance. He was telling me what he believed to be true, and he wasn’t willing to listen to me if I tried to convince him otherwise.
My broken bird was going to choose being broken by himself instead of risking me. Even if it meant destroying his chance at happiness.
Defeat flooded through me at that, and I knew I’d already let him convince me that I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t want to give him up. I didn’t want to admit that I might have to leave him. Every cell in my body was screaming for the chance to save him. Gather up his broken soul and tuck it into my pocket. Pet it and soothe it until it started to come back together.
But how could I do that if he didn’t agree to be soothed? How could I save him if he didn’t believe he could be saved?
I couldn’t. That was the sad, horrible truth.
And he wouldn’t thank me for spending my life trying, only to keep failing the way I’d failed today.
I reached up and touched one finger to his lower lip, trying to memorize the feel of him. The way his eyes looked and the shadow along his jaw. The tousle of his hair. The smell of him.
“If you change your mind, I’ll be here,” I whispered. “I’ll never give up on you. But I need you to believe you’re worth saving.”
