Page 106 of Looking for Love in All the Haunted Places
“Do you need me to say that I am? Because Iam.”
“Yeah, I know thatnow,” he said.
Lucky finished her last few bites and cleared the table. “So, Rebecca?” she asked as she began washing the dishes.
“She just had all these larger-than-life goals for herself. Back then, it made the most sense, for our family, for me to take Rebel and for her to continue her education. I had a family to fall back on. Rebecca only had me. If I didn’t tell her to go, she would’ve stayed, but I don’t think she would’ve been happy. I didn’t want her to feel like she was wasting her life and end up resenting us.”
“And she just…left?”
“Rebecca isn’t a bad person. I don’t want you thinking she is. She’s a part of our lives and that isn’t changing,” he said, defensive. Protective. “We werereallyyoung. We met, hooked up at a party, and kept doing it until she got pregnant. We tried to make it work but…we couldn’t. Good sex alone isn’t enough to hold a relationship together. You can’t build a life on that.”
Oh, shit. Lucky immediately began to high-key panic. Did Maverick think the opposite was true—bad sex was enough to ruin it?Oh, shit.
Jumping to conclusions before he finished wouldn’t help anything. She had to hear him out. While focusing on calming her thoughts, she set out an early wet-food breakfast for Gengar and headed to her suite.
“But that’s not what I want to focus on,” he said. “The point I wanted to make is I don’t know if I could make that same choice with you. I’d be selfish and I’d lose you anyway.”
“Well, if I felt like you were standing in my way,on purpose, it would change things for me. But I know that’s not the kind of person you are.” Lucky needed to hold the banister for support. Her legs barely had enough strength to get her up the stairs safely. Communicating with Hennessee drained her in every way imaginable—mentally, emotionally, and physically. She’d even started taking her baths in the afternoon because she was too drained to do anything other than sleep after being with the house all night.
“That’s not the kind of person I want to be with anyone, let alone you,” he said. “I just found you and I’m already scared of losing you. I know you feel like I’m being unsupportive, but that’s where I’m coming from. That’s the heart of it.”
Lucky’s own heart reacted accordingly by losing its mind. Unsure what to say yet, she decided to keep quiet for once. She closed the curtains in her suite to block out the light. If she didn’t, she’d wake up well before Hennessee’s good morning tug. Pajamas already on, she climbed into bed and covered her head with the blanket.
“I feel like you locked me out,” she whispered. “You asked me not to run away and thenyoudid. I’m fine waiting as long as IknowI’m waiting. Don’t go radio silent on me.”
She should’ve seen it coming. He had a clear history of it. When Maverick got stressed, he disappeared. Checked out.
Silvia told her so. He let Rebecca go. He even retreated into himself, while standing right next to Lucky several times.
“You’re right. I know. It’s just…that’s easier for me. I don’t want to make excuses so all I can do is promise to be better in the future,” he admitted. “Because sometimes, I really do need time and I don’t want to be pushed. The other night, I got super anxious because”—he paused, exhaling into the space he created—“I didn’t know enough about asexuality. I thought asexual people hated sex, like as a feature.”
Oh. “Well, some of us do,” she admitted, worrying at her bottom lip. “That’s very true forthem.”
“But I thought that applied across the board. I honestly thought youwerepretending until you pushed backsohard. I believed you,” he said. “I knew I needed to educate myself before I fucked everything up. I found some pretty balanced articles and a couple of memoirs that really helped me get a handle on the basic definition. My biggest takeaway was that generalizing is pointless.” He laughed. “I was dead wrong and so glad I didn’t say anything.”
He—he—he researched? On his own? Because he wanted to be proactive and understand asexuality better? Lucky felt like she was melting into a heart-shaped puddle. She’d never find someone like him again.
“I didn’t mean to push you. I honestly thought being forward and getting everything out into the open was the right way to do that.” She sighed, closing her eyes. No excuses. “When I said I wanted you to feel comfortable telling me what you need, I wasn’t only talking about sex. I’m sorry I did that.”
“Honestly, I was trying to downplay it because”—he hesitated again, voice thick with frustration—“the things I want to do with you,to you, I can’t even say them because I can’t get past this block of thinking I’mtoosexual. It’ll be too much.”
“You’re not entirely wrong,” she said, thoughtfully. “The truth is I don’t know, but I’m very much okay with finding out. I trust you.”
And she trusted herself too.
“Let’s try it,” she murmured. “Start small.”
“I want to see you.” He hesitated. “I don’t want to have this conversation over the phone.”
“This is what we have right now. Do you like phone sex? I’m surprisingly proficient at dirty talk,” she bragged.
The silence on the other end of the line wassoloud.
She sighed his name. “Most people wouldn’t have given me half as much care and attention as you do. I’ve told you everything.Everything. At some point you’re gonna have to believe me about this.”
“I do believe you.”
“Then be your honest self with me,” she said, and then got an idea. “Because if you ever cheat on me, we’re breaking up immediately. I willneverspeak to you again.”
