Page 71 of The Romantic Agenda
In the eerie quiet, Joy listens to Fox’s breathing, closing her eyes and searching for comfort in the sound, in the rise and fall of his chest.
“When she asked me if I loved her, I said yes. Of course I did.”
She?Joy opens her eyes, immediately frowning. Damn, she fell asleep again.
“She said to prove it, and I had no idea what the hell she was talking about because I proved it every day. I was there—we moved in together, we shared everything, I took care of her. We were building a life together. How was I supposed to prove I loved her if that wasn’t enough?”
Joy tries to be still, scared to make a sound or even breathe toohard and distract him. He’s not talking to Joy. He’s thinking out loudforher. At the winery she asked him if he’s ever been in love and he’s answering now. Why?
“She asked how that was different than how I treat Fiona or Summer. I said I don’t have sex with my sister, and she rightly shot back with ‘So you love me because you can have sex with me?’ I didn’t know what to say, because of course that wasn’t true, so I didn’t say anything. She said, ‘You’re not in love with me, Fox. You nevertell methat you love me. You just care about me enough to convince yourself that you are.’ The last thing she ever said to me was ‘I hope you find someone who makes you see the difference someday.’ ”
Joy isn’t sure if Fox is finished so she continues to hold still, keeping her breathing even.
“I’m sorry I waited until you were asleep to answer you.”
He thinks she’s asleep! Oh lord...
Fox turns his head, resting his cheek against her forehead. “You were right. It’s hard for me to talk about myself like that out loud. But I wanted to tell you. You’re always so honest with me. You make me wish I could do the same.”
God, romance isn’t easy for anyone. Still pretending, Joy grabs hold of his shirt and snuggles closer to him. She breathes in deeply, as if she were sleeping, and exhales into a sigh.
Nineteen
SUNDAY
Joy’s heart isn’t into getting ready for the day. She keeps it simple: a blue and white floral sundress with a square neckline and puff sleeves.
Downstairs, she keeps her routine, making a pot of coffee and waiting for Fox. The cabin doesn’t feel old—it doesn’t creak or groan with dead secrets. It’s eerily silent save for the soothing sounds of the coffeemaker. Outside, the water looks as calm as ever and the sun shines like it’s never seen a cloud in its life. There’s so much peace all around her and she can’t feel any of it.
Joy hears Fox’s footsteps before she sees him. “Hey, hey. Welcome to the second meeting of the Early Morning Risers Club.”
He laughs. “Is that what we are?”
“I like naming things.”
Fox is next to her now, standing while she sits at the island. “How are you?”
“Mostly okay.” She scrunches her face in discomfort. “Feelingsare a little raw. Exposed. Like a pack of wolverines went to town on my chest, you know?”
“That’s... okay. Wolverines. Got it.”
“And, um. Would you laugh at me if I said I was scared?” she asks. “I’m scared.”
Fox moves closer to her, until their arms touch. He places his hand over hers, thumb caressing her skin. He speaks softly, voice so low and a comforting murmur at her ear. “What are you scared of?”
“He’ll finally leave me.”
“I don’t think he’ll do that.”
She won’t look at him, but she heard the gentle smile in his voice. “Yeah. I know.”
“What are you really scared of, Joy?”
She doesn’t even have to think about it. “Everything will always be exactly the same.”
“Hmm.”
Joy turns to look at him. For once he’s searching her face, trying to find something, his eyes the kindest she’s seen them so far. “We can’t keep living like this. He realized it before I did, and he’s right. But he also needs me? I don’t know what to do. I wanted to be able to wake up this morning and say, Yep, totally over him. Completely detached now. And it would happen with, like, accelerated manifestation. Instead, I got wolverines.”
