Page 58 of The Romantic Agenda
She nods.
“Our carriage awaits.” Fox takes her by the hand, interlocking their fingers. Joy glances up at him just as he looks down at her. “This still okay?”
“It’s more than that,” she says, feeling too somber to smile. “Wait, don’t tell me you’re afraid of golf carts?”
“We’ll be in a moving vehicle with no doors, no seatbelts, or any kind of shocks to speak of. You should be too.”
Like the helicopter, each cart only seats two people so they have to take separate ones. Their driver is a younger Mexican man with a generous smile. “Welcome to Glass Bead,” he says.
Fox says, “Thank you,” followed by Joy who says, “Nice to meet you, Miguel,” after reading his name tag. They depart as soon as they’re situated in the back seat. Miguel is a smooth driver; however, the dirt road is anything but smooth.
A few bumpy minutes later, Fox taps the back of Joy’s hand. “I heard you,” he says. “Everyone did, actually. I guess he must have made you mad.”
Joy glances at him. “That happens from time to time. Did he talk to you?”
“He did. He apologized, as ordered.”
“Good.”
Fox leans over until their shoulders are touching. “I think I understand why he’s desperate to keep you in his corner now. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone quite like you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t describe it, so I don’t really want to try.”
“Hmm.”
Fox laughs.
“Hey.” Joy pushes back on his weight, just enough so she can turn and lean on him instead. To be fair, he started it. He opened the door she didn’t realize she wanted to sprint through until she saw the light on the other side. “Have you ever been in love before?”
“Why?”
“I’ve been wondering about it. I thought asking a random question about you might make me feel better.” Joy sighs. “I know fighting with someone doesn’t automatically mean you love them any less. Logically, I know that. But I’m kind of struggling.” That familiar prickle is starting behind her eyes. “I just feel like I was reallymeanto him. Even if it was for a good reason, I should’ve handled it better. You shouldn’t yell at people you love.”
Grace does it all the time. It’s practically her default setting because she’s just a loud person. Joy isn’t. So when she yells, it feels different, more potent. Like she’s choosing to cross a line even though she knows it will hurt someone. It’s intentional and awful and every time she does it, she can’t help but hate herself.
“You shouldn’t,” Fox agrees, “but it happens. That’s hardly something unique to you. I hope it doesn’t feel like that?”
“It does. I’m a selfish monster with a bad temper.” She laughs bitterly. Anxiety is such an unfair mind-fuck because sometimes it can even make her believe Malcolm only brings out the worst in her. If they get together and all they do is fight—about kids, about the future, about sex, about work—it’ll be the worst thing to ever happen to them because they don’t want the same things. They’ll never see eye to eye, never find a way to compromise or agree. She’ll browbeat him, wear him down, yelling and screaming and fighting until she gets her way...
“If there’s one thing you’re not, it’s that. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.” Fox’s frown intensifies, quick and angry, but it smooths back out into his grumpy neutral like it never happened. “I thought I was in love. Once. But I don’t think I was.”
“Why did you think you were?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
Fox actually begins to fidget—right leg bouncing, free hand tapping the seat. “I don’t like talking about this kind of stuff.” He shakes his head as if that’s the end of the conversation.
Joy scoffs quietly, partially hiding her face behind their joined hands. She presses the back of his hand directly to her cheek. “When it’s about you. Let’s be specific: You’re fine to analyze and talk about me and Malcolm, but when it’s you? Instant reversion to a grumpy potato.”
“Hmm.”
“That’s what I thought.”
They enjoy the rest of the ride in a comfortable silence. There isn’t much to see—if you’ve seen one vineyard, you’ve seen them all. A million rows of vibrant green leaves, dark brown stems, plump purple and green grapes. It only takes ten minutes before they pull up to the front of the restaurant.
