Page 83 of The Romantic Agenda
Fox takes a deep breath, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth, and just shakes his head. He’s patient, but she can see his eagerness too. She can see that he wants her to stop talking.
Joy’s hands fall to her sides, and she sits back on his thighs. “This is what it’s like with me.”
There’s the tiniest bit of strain in his smile. “I’m not complaining.”
“Please listen, okay?” She cups his cheeks and gives him a quick kiss. “I view sex very rationally.”
Joy is grateful for growing up the way she did, because her high school taught comprehensive sex education. They drilled it home that no matter how you felt or whom you were attracted to, deciding to have sex was a big choice for everyone to make.
Being asexual wasn’t a choice for Joy. Deciding to have sex would be.
There are too many things to consider, so many potential outcomes like pregnancy and STIs that could change her life forever. She doesn’t see it as fun like Malcolm, and she doesn’t feel a desireto have sex with another person. The cons simply outweigh the pros.
If she ever decides to have sex, she wants it to be an informed and active choice. And she wants to feel safe.
Joy continues, “I need someone who’ll be okay with me laughing, asking too many questions, being weird, and cracking jokes. Someone that can calmly explain things to me in the moment without getting frustrated or overwhelmed.
“One of my worst nightmares is having sex with someone and then they get mad at me because they think I’m not taking it seriously or because I don’t automatically turn into a puddle of moaning mush. When if they knew me at all, they would know Iamtaking it seriously. It’s a big deal to me—I just express it differently because I want to understand what’s happening while it’s happening.”
“I could do that,” Fox says too quickly. “You can trust me.”
Joy manages to not laugh. “Let’s think with our big brains, not our little brains.” She places her hands on his neck, stroking his jaw with her thumbs. “You’re a great person, Fox. I really do like you, but I also met you three days ago. I don’t know you well enough to trust you like that. I’m not having sex with you tonight.”
“Hmm.”
“That’s exactly what I wanted to hear,” she whispers, mouth near his. “I can see you thinking.”
“I am.” He gives her a quick peck and rests his forehead against her chest. “Big brain needs a minute to catch up.”
Joy holds him there, rubbing his back. “Cool. I’ll wait here.”
He laughs and mutters, “God.” His expression is solemn when he says, “I really like you too, Joy.”
“Okay.” She inhales, holding it to prepare herself to be disappointed. It always ends like this.
“I’m very attracted to you.” He lifts his head.
“I know.” Her gaze flicks downward and up again. “I can tell.”
That makes him smile. “I hear you. I understand what you’re saying.”
“But?”
“No buts,” he says. “I understand.”
“No buts? No questions? Nothing?”
“I said I understand. Is there something else you need to tell me?”
“No. That’s it.”
Fox kisses her again, softly at first and then harder and with more urgency. She’s not overwhelmed but she gets close when he squeezes her thighs. Her hands are on his wrists in record time, holding him firmly. He breaks their kiss and looks her in the eyes—still soft, still understanding.
He asks, “Can I touch you?”
Touching makes it intentional. Kissing combined with touching creates the shift from kissing to arousal to sex. Joy only wanted the first part. Maybe not forever, but certainly for right now.
“Depends where.”
