Page 105 of The Romantic Agenda
“I need to sit down,” Joy says quietly as she collapses on the couch. For five full seconds, she forgets how to exist. Her heart skipped a beat so hard, it shut everything else down—brain, lungs, senses, everything gone and offline.
“Joy.” Malcolm hesitates. He takes a step toward her, pauses, then tries again and ends up sitting next to her. “I’m not changing my mind. Iwantto be with Summer,” he says firmly. Not a single hint of indecision anywhere.
“Good.” Her nerves hit the overdrive button, rattling back to life like an old muffler.
“But I need to know something. I won’t be able to let it go until I do.”
“Good,” she echoes, still incapable of using other words.
Malcolm touches her arm but strangely she can’t feel it. She stares at him like she’s never seen this version of him before. An imposter Malcolm who fell in love with her.
“Joy?”
“When?” Her voice sounds wrong, aching and too high. “When did that happen? Please.”
Malcolm nods and answers, “When I kissed you at the bar. Afterward, I didn’t want to pressure you. I waited for you to come to me. I thought that would be best. You didn’t pull any punches back then—if you wanted me, you would have made that known. I thought you just weren’t interested in me. And then, when there was never anyone else, and you said you weren’t interested in dating, I figured that was that. I tried to move on.”
“Oh. I see.” She sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, biting down on it enough to hurt.
“But then this weekend when I saw you with Fox”—he pausesto breathe, in and out—“it was like everything came rushing back. Suddenly, it changed from you not being interested in anyone to you not being interested inme.”
“Well.” Joy interlaces her fingers, holding her hands up to her face like she’s praying. “You weren’t completely wrong. I really wasn’t interested in anyone else. Up untilveryrecently, I only wanted you.”
It’s Malcolm’s turn to be stunned into disbelief. “For how long?”
“This whole time. Since before the bar.”
“Okay. Cool. All right.” He sits back against the sofa. “Okay. I really wasn’t expecting you to say that.”
Joy sits up, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes. She tries to center herself, to focus on what she knows she needs to say next and ignore the small nagging voice in her heart demanding she do the opposite. It has to be this way. It’s time. She reclines against the back of the couch angling her head toward him. “Does knowing how I feel make you want to change your mind now?”
Malcolm’s answer is immediate. “No. Summer and I are—it’s good. Really good.”
“Then it doesn’t matter.” Joy shakes her head. “You wanted to know and now you do.”
“But this whole time? Really? Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“Because I thought the same thing. You didn’t want me.” Joy laughs despite the situation. “In the souvenir shop, you told me I could talk to you. Is that offer still open?”
“Always.”
Joy collects every scrap of bravery she has within her and says, “I think you’re making the right choice. I think—I hope—Summer is the right choice. Because it’s not me. I know that now. I’ve held on to you for so long,so,so long, because I truly believed you were all I was ever meant to have. No one would ever love me or understand me the way that you do.
“I don’t think I’m particularly hard to love.” There’s a wet warmth building behind her eyes, an ache burning through her throat and jaw. “But sometimes I feel like no one will ever want me. Not forever. No one will ever see me beyond how they can use me. No one will ever want me because of the way I am. I’m weird and needy and dark-skinned and asexual. I guess I convinced myself that if it wasn’t you, it would never be anyone.”
“That’s not true, Joy.”
“Yeah, well, it feels like it is.” Joy wipes her nose with her sleeve. “I think I knew, deep down, that it wasn’t ever going to work between us. We don’t even want the same things out of life. I just—I just couldn’t let you go. And I think you knew how alone and unlovable I felt. That’s why you stayed with me. Because that’s who you are.”
“Actually, I stayed because I felt that way too. I just kept dating while you didn’t.” He scoff-laughs. “How are we perfect and all wrong for each other at the same time?”
“I don’t know,” Joy admits, and Grace’s words come back to her. “I don’t want to live without you, but I think I have to for a while.”
“I don’t.” Malcolm looks stricken. “Being apart won’t solve anything.”
“Then what should we do? I realized how selfish and needy I can be when it comes to you. I don’t trust myself to change overnight.” She laughs lightly. “I’m very fragile and tired, and old habits die hard. I’m not talking about romance or dating or anythinglike that. You’re still one of the most important people in my life, period. I don’t want to accidentally do anything to hurt you or Summer.”
“Then let’s face it. Try harder to be better. Honestly, I think twenty-year-old me is always going to be waiting for you. My dream girl. My Cinderella. But I’m not twenty anymore.”
