Page 97 of Let's Talk About Love
Alice shrank back farther onto her bed. She wanted to tell Feenie to leave, to get out (to forgive her and be her best friend again). She wanted to get up, to go see Takumi (to kiss him and ask him to be withher). She wanted to call her dad, to make things right (to make them proud).
(She wanted to be anywhere, anyone else.)
But none of that was possible.
“It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or who I’m with. If you need me, I’m there. Ialwaysmake time for you. Always.” Feenie loomed over her. “But lately? I’m a fucking afterthought for you. You have a problem? You call him. You want to go out? You call him. You say you’re not dating, so that must mean he’s your new best friend. I don’t matter anymore, just like that.” She snapped her fingers.
“That’s not true. I always need you,” Alice said, head down. Fighting back took energy. She was tapped out.
“To sort out your shit or defend your honor, maybe. That’s how it feels—like you’re using me.”
Alice sucked in a breath like she’d just been punched in the stomach. “How can you say that?” she whispered.
“It is what it is.”
“What about you and Ryan?” Her voice got stronger with each word, but she still couldn’t meet her best friend’s eyes. “You think you’re always there for me, but you’re not.”
“I already told you,” Feenie said, “I’m not apologizing for needing alone time with my boyfriend, and yeah, I expect you to understand that. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being replaced as payback for something that doesn’t have anything to do with you.”
“What about when you told me you wanted to move in with Ryan instead of living with me last year? Thatreallyhurt.”
“Me and Ryan are in a relationship.” She placed her hands on her hips. “We’re getting married. We needed to start living together and an opportunity came up. Did you expect me to say no?Andit worked out, didn’t it? You live here now.”
“That’s not the point.AndI do understand. I try to give you space. I can take a hint when you want to be alone. I’m not stupid. But Family Night is supposed to be for the three of us.” Alice rubbed her fingers over her clammy palms, slid her fingernails from the heels of her hands as far up as they would go to calm herself. “Why is it okay for you two to go off on your own on those nights? The costume party was hardly the first time. I’ve really been thinking about it, and it feels like I was always just your cover story so your mom wouldn’t get mad that you two spent so much time together and I’ve been too dumb to realize it should have ended when we graduated high school. You even changed your wedding date and didn’t even tell me.” She raised her head. “We’re not a family. You two are.”
Feenie went completely still—like the eye of a hurricane giving off a false sense of security before you’re suddenly hit with 100 mph winds out of nowhere.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They were both supposed to agree that maybe they were both a little wrong. They were supposed to hug. They were supposed to say they loved each other. Alice was not supposed to speak careless half thoughts. She didn’t evenknowshe had those feelings until she said them.
Feenie leaned forward, eyes locked on Alice.
“You listen to me, goddamn it,” she seethed. “We’re family.Youaremyfamily. We won’t always get along and sometimes we will fight, but if you think for one goddamn second that means I don’t love you, that I wouldn’t die for you—” Feenie stopped herself from saying whatever would come next. Her body shook as she took a deep breath. “Jesus fuck, do you infuriate me to no end with that bullshit. How couldyousay that to me? There is nothing in this universe more important to me than you and Ryan.” Her face turned bright red, her nostrils flared, her hands were clenched into fists.
Alice was not brave. Her body was hardwired for flight—confrontation made her flee. She had to stay focused, had to resist the urge to run away. She had to face this.
Her soft blanket twisted in her hands as she looked at Feenie. Eye to eye. “Because I’m an asshole,” she said.
Feenie’s fury flickered for the briefest of moments—her eyebrows drew together and she blinked in confusion. “So am I,” she said, slow and thoughtful. “Welcome to the party.”
“Yeah, but you own it,” Alice said, jaw aching as she tried to force herself not to cry. “I’m an unintentional asshole, which is like the worst kind. I act like I’m a victim, like I’m always innocent, but really I’m a selfish asshole who only thinks about herself and what she wants. Someone always has to rescue me and I only know how to follow someone else’s lead or go back to you because it’s all I’ve ever done. I don’t knowhowto balance the relationships in my life. I don’t know how to show someone I love them. I don’t know how to make someone understand me. I don’t know how to do anything right.
“And look, here I go again, making everything about me,” she sobbed. “Why am I like this?”
Feenie looked away, crossing her arms over her chest. “Stop.” She left the room.
Alice’s hiccupping gasps for breath were the only sounds left in the room. She swiped at her eyes with trembling hands.
“Here.” Feenie held out a towel as she sat on the bed next to Alice. “Everyone makes everything about them. Don’t cry about that. And the rest of it—well, yeah. I mean, Iknewall of that. I choose to love you anyway.
“I’m really not much better, to be honest, but I’m not about to sit here and list all the shit wrong with me. What I will say is that I know I’m not easy to love. I know sometimes I say things that really hurt youbecause I think they’re funny. I know we don’t spend enough time together and that it’s my fault, too.”
Alice leaned over until her head reached Feenie’s shoulder and took Feenie’s hand in hers. Through everything life and time threw at them, they always had each other to hold on to. How many times had she held Feenie’s hand in her life so far? It was a silly thing to wonder about—a hand that had been by her side for almost two decades. A hand she hoped would be there for much, much longer.
Feenie waited for Alice to finish crying before she said, “Being mad at you is too much work, but it’s obvious we have…communicationissues.” Feenie said the word with a shudder. “I can’t read your mind. If you’re not okay with something, you need to tell me. It’s,” she began, face contorting into a grimace, “importantto me that you trust me to be there for you like I’ve always been. That’s my job. He can’t have it. And I need you to be there for me. No one can calm me the way you do. Not even Ryan. You help keep me balanced.”
How did Alice get so lucky? Because that’s the word that came to her mind—luck.
Both Feenie and Takumi found her and wouldn’t let go. Feenie gave just as freely as Takumi did, while Alice always took from them.
