Page 60 of Let's Talk About Love
“That sounds funny.”
“It’s not! It’s diabolical and how she tricks you into responding,” she said. “I’m ignoring them with all my might. And I don’t even have Feenie to commiserate with.”
Takumi wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into a half hug.
“I’m tired of talking about my problems. Let’s talk about yours. Do you have any?”
“No,” he said. “I’ve managed to adult successfully this year. Minus one thing, I’ve been coasting.”
“How nice foryou.” Alice sighed. “I miss her. Whenever I fought with my bio family, I had my found family to lean on. I miss them.”
“I won’t lie—I like having you around, but if you need to cut out to go be with them, I’ll understand.” His slight laugh made her look at him. “This was just supposed to be a nice, leisurely walk in the park. I figured you would make darling and hilarious commentary, I would smile and laugh a lot, and you would stare at my face because that is a thing you do that I’ve gotten strangely used to, you know? Our usual. Good times had by all.”
She leaned on him, resting her head on his shoulder. “Do you really feel like I stare at you a lot?”
He nodded. “It took some getting used to, but then I realized if you’re staring at me, that means I can stare back.”
“You should take a picture of me. It’ll last longer,” she joked, feeling warm from mild embarrassment. “I mean, if you want to.”
CHAPTER
20
The receptionist let Alice know her appointment with Dr. Burris would start on time. Turning around, she flopped down in the first available seat in the waiting area.
She hadn’t planned on coming back to see Dr. Burris, her initial idea being to take her consultation and run, but then he had e-mailed her to check in. She told him about her insurance, her parents, and why she couldn’t come back—and he offered her an extremely generous discount for two sessions per month.
“Alice?” Dr. Burris gave her a warm smile.
In his office, she settled into the same armchair with only half the nervousness she had experienced at their first appointment.
“Last we spoke,” he began, “you were experiencing some anxiety and uncertainty regarding your sexuality.”
“Yeah, that’s still happening. Sort of. But notreally.”
“All right.” He wrote something on his notepad. Alice craned her head to try to read it. “Would you like to continue discussing that?”
“Also not really.” She shook her head. “It’s like, my problem iseveryone else. I’m not ashamed or uncertain or whatever. I’m ace. It’s cool. I just don’t want to be anybody’s poster child. I’m not made for the front lines. I’ll wither and cry under pressure, so it’s better if I keep it to myself for now.”
“Interesting.” He shifted in his seat. “Have you thought about joining any clubs on your college campus as a means to build a support system for yourself? Engaging with others who identify as you do could help bring about a level of comfort that will enable you to speak freely.”
Alice resisted the urge to snort. “Nah. I think those are great for some people, especially if you’re the right color, not bi, and certainly not ace. So.”
“Ah, I see. It’s unfortunate that you’ve experienced that. What about groups online?”
“I use Tumblr, which is probably the best support system for me right now. I mean, it’s a super garbage fire of discourse sometimes, but really, we all just hyper-love everyone and everything and want our ships to sail, regardless of canon or what anyone else thinks. And there’ll be posts with literally thousands of notes that’ll make the rounds saying things like, ‘If you’re Black and you’re ace, you’re valid and I love you,’ which is really nice to read when you’re not expecting it. You know that saying, ‘love is love,’ right? I’ve heard it thousands of times, but I learned it, internalized it, because of the blogs I follow on Tumblr.” She laughed, feeling good and lighthearted, but wanting to change the subject. She was paying for this after all. “Anyway, I can use this time for whatever I want to talk about, right?”
“This is a safe space,” he reminded her.
“Do you think it’s okay to only have like two friends? I’m a firm believer in quality over quantity in the friendship sector, but I’m starting to think I might be wrong.”
“First, to answer your question, my opinion on the number offriends any one person should have is irrelevant. What matters is how you feel about it.”
“Well, I felt fine. My best friends, Ryan and Feenie, have been dating for what feels like forever, so I’m used to third-wheeling it. Lately, though, it’s like”—she paused to think—“it’s like, you know how motorcycles can have sidecars? Well, they’re on the bike, I’m in the sidecar, and whatever holds us together is falling apart. They’re turning and going one way while I have to keep going straight because I don’t have anything to help me steer. Or an engine to keep me going. Or anything. I’m just stuck waiting for my little car to run out of momentum.”
His eyebrows pinched together. “So, if I’m interpreting this correctly, you feel as if you and your friends are on two different paths—their path is an active choice, while yours is not?”
“Yeah. That’s it exactly!” He summarized and clarified on the first try. The man was magic. “I read this article once that said most people aren’t friends with the friends they had in high school anymore and that it wasnormal. There’s all this weight put on college friends, but, like, that seems dumb? How is losing touch with someone you spent fifteen years with a good thing? Moschoula and Takumi are great, but that’s not an equal trade.
