Page 30 of Let's Talk About Love
“Asexuality isn’t something that’s black or white. There is a multitude of shades of gray in between. Being potentially sexually attracted to one particular person isn’t as outlandish as you’ve convinced yourself it is.”
“I know that stuff. There’s this thing called the Internet, and it’s quite handy,” Alice joked.
Dr. Burris raised an eyebrow.
“I mean, thank you for saying that. It’s very reassuring to hear. But I don’t think I’m being clear. Everyone talks about sex like it’s the greatest thing ever in the history of all the things, and I don’t get it. I kept waiting to want to do it, to not have to be convinced all the time, to even think about it and it just never happens. But like, even knowing that I knew I could get aroused—I’ve experienced it before. That was just the first time it happened because of another person and I didn’t eventhinkabout sex. My friend brought it up later. None of this makes sense and I need it to.”
“Why?”
“Because how else will I ever—”
Alice snapped her mouth shut, promptly staring at her feet.
“Ever what?” he asked gently.
Alice closed her eyes. “Look, I know all of this. I’ve read books and articles and websites. I know what asexuality is and isn’t.” She opened her eyes, staring at the couch, defeated. “What I don’t get is why this is happening to me now? I figured all of this out years ago and now all of a sudden, I’m changing? How am I ever going to explain this to anyone?”
“You explained it to me.”
Alice slumped forward, head down. Wearing her asexualness, sharing that fact about herself with the world, wasn’t something she was ready to do. One day, she knew the time would come and she had her speech ready (a typed paragraph, the paper folded five times, and hiding in her sock drawer). It was her safety net, the thing she held at night saying “one day, one day” while during the day she refused to think about it. And now that one day was here and she was speechless and lost.
“But you know!” she said. “You get it. I’m not trying to trivialize anyone else and what they have to do, but if I go to my parents and say I’m a lesbian, they would know what I meant. If I went to my siblings and said I’m bisexual, they would know what I meant. If I tell anyone I’m asexual, they’re going to look at me like there’s something wrong. They’re going to tell me to go to a doctor. They’re going to tell me I’m too young to know what I want or I’m still developing. Or they’ll tell me how important sex is to finding a good man. Or they’ll think they can fix me, that I’m lying because I don’t want to sleep with them. It’s hard enough trying to explain that word, so how in the hell am I going to explain I’m biromantic asexual? They’re really going to think I’m making this shit up.”
“You’re worried whomever you choose to tell won’t believe you. That’s important to you?”
“Of course it is. How would you feel if you exposed your identity and the world pointed, laughed, and called you a liar to your face?Would you ever want to do that again? How am I supposed to have any kind of romantic relationship with someone if I feel like I can’t tell them the truth?
“My girlfriend broke up with me because she thought that since I didn’t desire her, I wouldn’t be able to love her, which is not true at all. I am very loving. I cry at the end of romcoms. My favorite movie isSplash. I want someone to give me flowers and take me on dates. I want to fall in love and wear a giant princess dress at my wedding. I want to have a happy ending, too, and all that other magical stuff. I want what books and TV and the world has promised me. It’s not fair that I should have to want sex to have it.”
Dr. Burris passed her a tissue box. “It would seem we’ve gotten to the root of the stuff.”
“Well, I like to take the scenic route.” Alice sniffled, wiping her eyes. “It’s cuter.”
“Not to mention far more informative. Have you come out to anyone, either before or after your discovery?”
“My best friends know. That’s it.”
“I’m afraid I don’t have the kind of answer you’re looking for.” He folded his hands, placing them in his lap. Calm. Serene. “This isn’t something where I can tell you to go read a book and it will methodically list the steps of how to come out. It is a personal and individualized experience. My advice to you is to be prepared to educate. It may feel unfair that the onus of that responsibility will fall on you, but when most people think theAstands for Ally, you will have to speak louder, with bravery and dignity, to be heard. You will have to be willing to inform and to educate. And you will have to know when it is time to remove yourself from situations and disconnect from those who either do not understand or are unwilling to. You have to do what is right for you.”
Alice knew he had spoken the truth. Everything would boil down to her having to speak up.
Those were not the words she wanted to hear. It made her tremble inside. Her jaw locked into place, teeth grinding and vibrating in her skull.
Sam hadn’t bothered to ask.
Margot couldn’t be bothered to try to understand.
Alice didn’t want to go through that again. How would she ever explain to the one person she might possibly be sexually attracted to that she was asexual? How would she explain to the next person that it was maybe possible her body could experience attraction, but she wasn’t attracted to them?
Why did this have to happen at all?
Maybe it would be better to just ignore Takumi. So what if he’d been nothing but nice to her so far? Who said shehadto be, too?
CHAPTER
12
Alice had splurged on pad Thai in a box for lunch, thinking it would be a nice variation on the two-for-one-dollar packages of ramen she’d been living on.
