Page 29 of Let's Talk About Love
After a beat he asked, “Is there anything else you’d like to share about yourself?”
He didn’t say “Perhaps why you’re here,” but she knew that’s what he was waiting for.
“Yeah. Well, I have a problem,” she said. “It’s not really a problem, I guess? I’ve been dealing with it, dealt with it really. Did the wholecoming to terms with itthing in high school, you know. Got my experimenting phase out of the way, and I’ve sort of lived my life since then, learning to work around everyone else’s perceptions of how I should be. Everything was great. Fine. I was happy most of the time.”
“And now you’re not,” he prompted. He tilted his head to the side.
“I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy, but I am confused.” She swallowed hard. Her jaw ached. “I don’t… experience… you know, I’m not sexually attracted to… boys.”
His face remained blank except for a small, encouraging smile. Alice practically saw the wordLESBIANflashing in his eyes.
“Or girls,” she continued. “Or anyone.”
And there it was. A subtle lifting of his eyebrows, one blink too many, the corners of his mouth evening out.
“While it’s rare, it’s not uncommon.”
Great. Rare. That was the exact opposite of comforting.
“There is a name for it,” he said. “Do you know what that’s called?”
“I do.” Alice fidgeted in her seat. “That’s how I identify. That word.”
“And isthat wordthestuffyou have questions about?”
“Not exactly. Indirectly,” she said. “At my job, there’s this gu—umm, this person, and when I saw them, I felt something. Attraction. Sexual attraction, I guess.”
He raised his chin, eyes thoughtful. “How did seeing the person make you feel?”
Feenie would make a great psychologist. She made a mental note to tell her so.
“Well, you see, there’s something else you should know about me. I have an intense aesthetic attraction. I like cute things. Animals, clothes, makeup, decor, nature, pretty designs, you know, just things that are eye-catching, and that includes people. But it’s not sexual at all. I get really excited about the way the thing looks and I like talking about it, so it can be confusing sometimes. For them, I mean. Not me. I don’t feel anything. I don’t get, you know, aroused looking at cute things.
“So when I saw Tak—I mean, the person, I thought that’s what it was at first. They were just exceptionally cute, but then I got really hot and was having trouble thinking and there was action happeningdown thereand I’m confused about stuff now.”
“Did you want to have sex with this person?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” She sighed. No point in holding back now. “I’m still figuring out how that’s supposed to feel.”
“Allow me to rephrase: Did you explicitly think of sexual activity in response to seeing this person?”
“No. I mean, it wasn’t like I wanted to take him to the supply closet for a quickie or something.”
“What about now? Would you like to have sex with them?”
“I haven’t thought about it,” she said.
Dr. Burris clasped his hands together, resting them in his lap. “A common misconception is the difference between arousal and attraction.Arousal is a physiological response, whereas attraction is an experience, and they are not mutually exclusive. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah.”
“Regarding your situation, it seems that your arousal may not have been a direct result of a desire to have a sexual experience with the person. Of course, it’s possible that it was, but that’s something only you can explore and decide for yourself.”
“So what does that mean for me and who I am?”
“You seem to be uncomfortable sayingthat word, and if it’s okay with you, I’m going to say it. I think you know what I’m talking about.”
“It’s fine.”
