Page 20 of Let's Talk About Love
“If that’s what it takes.” Feenie shrugged. “Think of me as your personal love coach.”
“What about the other side? What if it never happens again? What if he is it for me? I only get one shot, it all goes to shit, and I go back to feeling nothing and thinking I’m broken. I finally feel balanced. I don’t want to lose that.”
Feenie flicked her right between the eyes.
“Ow, you ass.” Alice rubbed her forehead.
“First of all”—Feenie pointed at her—“you are not broken and I don’t ever want to hear that again. Second, being attracted to one person doesn’t necessarily change who you are. Maybe you’re graysexual instead of straight up ace. There’s just something about the way Takumi’s genetic code arranged his face and body that appeals to your brain chemistry. It’s insta-lust. Enjoy it for what it is.”
Alice didn’t think it was possible to love Feenie more than she already did, but that moment tipped her over. Yes, Feenie’s suggestionto have sex with Takumi was questionable. However, she wasn’t suggesting he wouldcureher.
Graysexual.
In spite of everything, Feenie had acknowledged she was still on the spectrum where she felt most at home.
“It’s not lust,” she said. The words felt true. “It’s something, but I don’t think it’s that.”
“Let’s find out for sure then.”
“I have such terrible luck with dating, though.”
“People have shit luck all the time. What the fuck makes you think you’re a special snowflake?” Feenie laughed but Alice didn’t.
“Because I want it more,” Alice said quietly.
“You don’t know that.” Feenie sighed. “Inspirational, ‘Kumbaya’-type shit is not my jam, so I’m only going to say this once: You can’t let one or two bad experiences stop you from being happy. Maybe it’s with Takumi, maybe it’s not. But you’re not going to know until you try.”
With Feenie in her corner, things didn’t seem nearly as hopeless.
CHAPTER
9
If Alice was truly attracted to Takumi, what did that mean for her? What should she do next? Feenie’s plan had merit, but she hadn’t witnessed Alice’s epic failure.
Holding a conversation was an issue. She looked at Takumi and her brain short-circuited. All the words were there, but they began to jumble before even making it down the pipeline. She needed structure. Rules. Method.
Objectively, she was in a classic case of besotted befuddlement. The only thing she hadn’t done (yet) was run into a door or fall down the stairs or something equally embarrassing and life threatening in front of him.
(God Almighty. Please no.)
The plan would form with time, but she wanted to talk to someone about everything else. Someone not Feenie, someone who didn’t know her and could give an unbiased opinion. She had medical insurance under her parents’ plan. Unfortunately, seeing a counselor meant getting a referral from her primary physician, and since her mom had accessto her medical record… that was a solid non-option. She’d call Alice so fast—no, she’d probably skip the phone call and jump on the next available flight to find out what was wrong with herbaby girlin person.
Her sister would rat her out.
As would her brother.
(Her family was thick as thieves. Everyone knew everyone’s business.)
Her laptop sat all the way across the room on a stack of boxes, so mobile Twitter would have to do. She opened her DMs with Moschoula.
Alice’s inability to say “being asexual” plagued her. The words formed but lodged themselves in her throat. One night she had stood in front of the mirror repeating, “I’m asexual,” over and over again. She had thought that if she could get used to hearing it, she’d accept it astruth faster. Alice knew it had madesense. She could check off all the little boxes. But she wasn’t sure it was a title that she had necessarily wanted everyone else to know.
She didn’t want to be known as Alice the Asexual. She wanted to be Alice who had an (admittedly) unhealthy obsession with all things cute and ate ice cream in the winter and taught all her friends how to make aSoul Trainline and, and, and…
Being asexual would trump everything else about her, good and bad and weird.
If Alice had told someone, would they begin to use that as the primary defining characteristic for her from then on?
