Page 102 of Let's Talk About Love
“I’m sorry, Dad,” she hiccupped.
He remained silent until she quieted down.
“I don’t want you to apologize. The only thing I want you to do right now is listen.” He sat down on their porch swing in the backyard—if her memory of the way it squeaked could be trusted. “We don’t want you to be a lawyer because we want you to be like us. We want you to make adifference. Everything we have done and fought for has been for our children, to make sure they had every opportunity to succeed. We swore that every success would lead us down that path. No roadblock would permanently stop us because we would find a way around it. We were blessed with two children and God gave us one more much later than what was considered safe. The doctors told us the risks, but your mom was adamant: you would exist. You would be exceptional.
“Living in this world, in this countryishard. You don’t know much about it because we chose to shelter you as long as we could. Black people have to be perfect, inhumanely good at everything, and even then we can fail, because that’s the way the system is set up. It isriggedagainstus. The environment, the opportunities we created gave you a leg up so you wouldn’t have to fightashard. But we still expected you to fight.”
She knew that and wasn’t quite as sheltered as they thought.
Twitter, Tumblr, and even Facebook if she was willing to risk blind rage, kept her well-informed of what the world thought of her. She was Black, female,andqueer. There weren’t many spaces left for her to feel safe online, and the real world had just started to get its claws into her.When she was stronger, braver, when she found her voice, she wouldn’t hesitate to use it.
Change the system from the inside out—she knew that plan. Of course she would help, would fight, but law wouldn’t be the best option for her to do that. How could she help anyone else if she felt helpless, too?
“Maybe it’s our fault. We put too much pressure on Aisha. We know that. And Adam, he chose law on his own. We didn’t have to do anything except encourage him. With you”—he paused, sighing—“I knew you didn’t want the life we’d chosen for you, and your mom insisted that we give you time.”
“Does she hate me?”
“Of course not. She could never,” he said. “But sheisupset. I don’t know when she’ll come around.”
“Dad.” Alice sniffled. “I just want to be happy. I’m not trying to be difficult or upset anyone. I love you and Mom and Aisha and Adam and Christy and the baby. I just—”
“—want to be happy. I know. I want that for you, too.”
“I already enrolled in school,” she said, jaw aching. She fought to keep her voice even. “I had to switch to the community college because it’s cheaper, but I’m going to do it. I shouldn’t have expected you to pay for me. I’m going to keep working at the library and I’m a babysitter now, too. I’m going to show you I can do this. You’re going to be really proud of me again. I promise.”
Nothing but silence came through from the other end until he said, “I won’t pay for your schooling, but letting you struggle doesn’t sit right with me. I can’t throw parties to distract myself like your mom. I miss sleeping. And you know how I feel about my sleep.”
She wanted to laugh but ended up pressing on her closed eyes before more tears could erupt. “I snore just like you, remember?”
(They were almost there. Almost normal.)
“As long as you’re in school and learning and being happy, I will pay your rent and buy your groceries. Okay?”
“Dad, you don’t have to.”
“I know I don’thaveto. You’re my daughter and I’m choosing to. What you don’t know is I made the same arrangement with Aisha the firstandsecond time she left.”
Alice’s jaw dropped. “She lefttwice? And she has thenerveto lecture me?”
“Don’t tell your mom.” He laughed.
It was such aDadsound.
CHAPTER
34
“Maybe you should stay home today,” Ryan said, leaning against the doorway of the bathroom. He waited for Alice to finish getting ready so he could drive her to work.
“Why?”
“This is fourth time you’re reapplying your makeup. You can’t even make it out the door.”
“I shouldn’t wear any, right? But I’m so puffy.” She poked at her face. “Everything was good. Great. And then Iruinedit. It’s like I’m standing here and I can see what I want waving at me way over there, but I just can’t get to it no matter how hard I try. Something isalwaysin the way.”
“I think that’s called life.”
“Don’t get all philosophical on me,” she said, giving him the stink eye. “I wish it felt like this stupid, small thing I could crush in my hand, but it doesn’t. I wish it were some line in the sand that I could hop, skip, and jump over, but it’s not. It matters to him enough that the only thing he could say to me was that he cares, which you know, comparatively,wasn’t even that bad, but I can’t stop crying, because I’m pretty sure my heart’s breaking in there.
