Page 50 of Love and Other Mental Health Concerns
I check my watch. The announcement should have been made by now, and I hope that Marcy isn’t made more upset by the fact that she didn’t hear about my new position from me. I want to give her time to process the information without my influence, without our attraction staring her in the face.
I am going to stay in North River, I am praying to every mythical and religious figure that Marcy wants the same. Every moment we have shared since we first kissed in my office has been life affirming, directing me down a path that I couldn’t envision but desperately wanted to find. Marcy is the light, the guide, that my whole being was thrumming for. She needs towant a life with me the way I want to have one with her, but I won’t force that out of her.
My phone vibrates, and I jump with nervous energy.
It’s a text from Marcy.
Well, that’s a bit ominous, but to be expected. I did make an enormous, life-changing decision, well more than one, without consulting my girlfriend. We never even had a clear conversation about confirming our relationship, but there are no doubts in my mind. Then I let my girlfriend be blind-sided in the middle of a work meeting with one of said huge decisions.
Okay, so my inexperience in relationships is showing a bit. Fuck Nick, get it together.
Me: Yes of course, meet at the bottom of your stairs after work tomorrow? We can walk and talk?
Marcy: *Thumbs up Emoji*
Oh, that one hurts. Might as well have sent me the middle finger.
Me: Great. I won’t be at work again tomorrow, so I will just see you then. ?
I watch as the texting bubbles bounce up and down…and stop…and bounce up and down…and stop. And nothing. I put down my phone and crash into the bed in my hotel room that I barely recognize anymore. I need to organize my thoughts and make sure I am ready to have the most important conversation of my life.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Marcy
Annie and I sit curled up on my couch, cozy blankets and a glass of wine in our hands. We have been bingingReal Housewives of Potomac, which is not a favorite but scratches an itch.
“Are we going to talk about it?” Annie asks, sipping her wine but keeping her judgmental eyes on me.
“I guess, if we have to.” I surrender. “Where would you like to start?”
“I want to start with the fact that he took a job to stay in North River, to stay with you.”
“Did he though? It’s a good opportunity for him, and he did say he had been tired of the lifestyle he was living, wanting to settle down a bit. Maybe it has nothing to do with me, the timing for him was just right.” At least, this is what my brain has been mulling over, trying not to get my hopes up in case this is the real scenario taking place.
“Marcy, that man looks at you like you are his north star, it has frankly been nauseating the past couple of months watching you two stare at each other from across decidedly unromantic settings. You guys once eye fucked each other from across aroom, and I was changing a bed pan between you. Why are you afraid to let yourself believe you are loved that much?”
She is going to continue but I cut her off, “Because it is hard to believe!” the tone is a little harsher than I intended. “Annie, the one person in my life that was supposedly genetically inclined to love me, couldn’t do it enough to put down the bottle. The one other person in my life that I let love me, couldn’t love me enough to keep his dick out of my roommate. It’s not a big jump to see the common denominator in all this.”
“I call bullshit,” now it’s Annies turn to be frustrated apparently. “Your Mom had a disease, and Max was a fucking idiot. You use them over and over as excuses to not find happiness, and you ignore the fact that you have real love you in your life. I love you; Gary and Stan love you, and you have a whole town that practically raised you and rallied around you when you needed them.” She drains her wine. “You can keep ignoring the mountain of evidence that you are lovable and worthy, or you can let two people incapable of loving themselves, let alone anyone else, dictate the rest of your existence.”
She’s right. That was a solid speech.
It’s exhausting living with the haunting feeling that I am not lovable. I have ignored all the examples in my life where love has flowed freely, staying stuck in the past with two people that never had my best interest at heart.
“Thank you. I think I needed that.”
“Yes, you did. I understand that it will still take time for you to trust love, but you can’t let this man slip through your fingers because of your anxiety. You will never forgive yourself.”
“Since when did you turn into Dr. Phil?”
“I’ve been growing-up Marcy, I haven’t had sex with a man in eighteen weeks and three days, so I have had time to think about other things.”
“I’m proud of you, how long will this break be?”
“Until options improve, I’m done with the mediocre boys this town has to offer right now. You found a real man; I want one of those.”
“Well, I haven’t exactly nailed this one down. I asked him if we could talk in person tomorrow. He is going to meet me here after work for a walk.”
