Page 51 of Love and Other Mental Health Concerns
“Just speak your truth Marcy, you know what you want, you can trust yourself.”
That’s the plan, speak my truth and hope it aligns with Nick’s. Consequences be damned.
It’s 5:30 in the afternoon, and I am waiting at the stairs to my apartment, wrapped in a heavy black peacoat and fur lined boots. It is late November and there is a light snow falling this evening. In most other places, a snowy evening would mean a cancelled walk, to be replaced with some hot chocolate and a board game by the fire. In Minnesota, the right winter gear is adorned, and you head out for a snowy adventure.
Nick emerges through the parking lot and my heart flutters immediately. The closer he gets to me; the flutters turn to racing. He’s smiling, but it’s a little more reserved than his typical ear to ear beam. He is also wearing a dark peacoat, jeans, and brown leather boots. He looks more put together than the last time I saw him, all dark and stormy in my office. His beard is trimmed, and his bright blue eyes are softly assessing me, the way mine are surely assessing him. He reaches for me as he approaches and pulls me into a hug, which leaves my body instantly relaxing against his broad chest. I can feel him placing gentle kisses in my hair, and his scent envelopes me.
“Hi Marcy,” he says softly into my hair. “I missed you.”
“You saw me yesterday,” I remind him. He chuckles and pulls back from me, holding my arms to my sides.
“I think you know what I mean. Shall we walk and talk?” He takes my hand and leads me through the parking lot. Light snow falling around us, collecting on the sidewalk and sparkling under the streetlights lining the sidewalk. “Marcy, I’m sorry…” he starts but I interrupt him.
“Nick, let me go first.” He nods in agreement. “I am sorry. I freaked out after not hearing from you on Saturday, and didn’t trust myself when it came to how I felt things were going with us. I mean, we were practically inseparable and the first moment we came up for air, I unraveled a bit. We never talked about where our relationship stood for the future, and I let that affect me rather than talking to you. It was immature, and I am sorry for that.”
Nick gives my hand a few squeezes and leans over to kiss my head. “It’s Okay Marcy, I need to apologize too. I should have been communicating more with you on Saturday. You have been really open about your trust issues, and I never meant to make you feel anything but safe with me. I will try harder in the future, if you will let me.” Our walk has slowed as he guides me to a bench in front of one of the old Victorian style homes that the town is known for.
“The communication on Saturday would have been nice, I don’t like how worried I get so quickly, though. An area for improvement, for sure.” He smiles at me, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. This is so much easier than I was making it in my head. “What about this scheming you had been doing for a new job though?” I give him a teasing look and a decent elbow to the ribs.
He laughs nervously, “Okay, I deserve that. I wanted to tell you about the COO job of course, but I was afraid to tell you I had applied, in case Keith wasn’t interested in me. I knew that taking a job in town would force some conversations between us that I didn’t want to scare you with. I was caught off guard byhow quickly Keith wanted to move things along once I expressed interest, and I didn’t manage that well at all.
“I didn’t love finding out in the middle of a work meeting. You should have told me.”
“I know, but I wanted you to have an opportunity to react without having to be around me right away. I was afraid you wouldn’t acknowledge your genuine feelings about me staying if you were staring at me while you got the news. We have a strong connection Marcy, stronger than anything I have ever felt, and I couldn’t risk you acting happy because you thought that’s what I wanted to see. This thing between us feels so big, so important to me. I want to make sure you are genuinely feeling the same, not coerced by my decisions.”
Silence hangs between us while I process what he has said. He keeps his arm around me, and I lay my head on his shoulder. “I guess I can see what you mean. Transparency?”
“Always.”
“Next time, I would prefer hearing major news from you. I know I have acted skittish, but it’s because you are important to me too. We are both trying too hard not to hurt the other, rather than being honest. We need to fix that.”
“I’m hearing two things.” He says, looking at me with a bit of a mischievous grin. “We both need to keep working on building trust and communication, and that there will be a next time”
I take a deep breath, “Yes, I would like there to be a next time.” Now his smile is reaching his ears again, and my stomach is doing flips.
“Marcy, let’s talk about our relationship, if you are up for it.” His tone is that cocky voice he uses at work sometimes. Also, in the bedroom.
“I’m up for it.” I’m still a little nervous but his huge smile of the last two minutes tells me that it’s not necessary. “Want me to go first?” I ask.
“I always like when you go first.” Now he’s really got an impressed look on his face. I give him an eye roll but am admittedly blushing.
“Yes…well…anyway.” Ugh, I’m flustered now. “I want to keep seeing you, and I want to be planning a future with you. You have said from our first date that you wanted to only be with me, and I hope that you still feel that way. I understand if you need more time to think…” He cuts me off by planting a deep and responsive kiss on my lips, delicately rubbing my back under my coat. My blood instantly heats.
“No, I don’t need time to think about it Marcy. Let me very clear, I haven’t gone two minutes without thinking about you since the moment I watched you flail about on the floor in the conference room on my first day at North River.”
“Hey! That wasn’t…”
“Let me finish.” He puts a hand on the base of my neck, looping a finger through my curls. Ugh, I love when he is assertive, and he knows it. “I haven’t stopped thinking about these curls, about how easily you blush when we are together, and the way your body tenses when we spot each other across the room. I love the way I want to spend all my time with you, and can talk to you about the good, bad, and ugly in my life. I love the way you care about other people, from your little chosen family to complete strangers walking into your emergency department. I love your brain and how it works to problem solve for the greater good. I love how you haven’t given up in the face of the hand you have been dealt in life, and I love that all I want to do is work to make you happy. You have truly made me want to be a better person, and I can’t imagine going another minute without you being mine.”
Tears sting the back of my eyes, his thumb now gently stroking me cheek, and our eyes locked on one another. Unable to handle the tension, I tease, “you didn’t mention my breasts in that speech once, so I am really proud of you.” He lets out a laugh and then kisses me again, leisurely, like we have all the time in the world.
“Well, I also forgot to mention how much you make me laugh, so there you go.” We both giggle. “What I really want to say in this moment Marcy, is that I love you. I love all of you, and I have never wanted to say those words to anyone but you.”
Now the tears do fall, and he kisses them clean as I manage to say, “I love you too Nick. So much, it scares the shit out of me sometimes.”
“That makes me the happiest man in the world.” He says, smile soft yet serious. “I mean we should probably work on the being scared part, but ya know…” and we both laugh again.
“Fair enough.” He is still stroking my back and peppering me with delicate kisses around my face and down my neck. With Love.
