Page 28 of Love and Other Mental Health Concerns
“Let’s keep things honest. We have been doing this a long time, no need to start with the bullshit now.”
“No! Swear it. I want something more than sex, I have been feeling this way for almost a year. Then I met this woman, her name is Marcy. She is it for me, I know it. I feel it.” She gives me a skeptical look, that turns into a small smile.
“Ok, as much as I want to explore that statement some more, let’s stay on task. What does Marcy have to do with today?”
“Well, she was with me at the festival. It was the first time I had asked her to hang out and I felt like it was going...great, actually.” I can’t help but smile when I think about holding her hand.
“Aw, Nicholas, you are blushing.” I rub my fingers through my beard, kind of proud of myself that I am letting a woman have such an impact on me.
“Yeah, yeah, ok thanks…anyway…we ran into my parents on the street. Like I said, I hadn’t heard from them and just wasn’t expecting to see them. Then, true to form, they make a few digs at me and even at Marcy. They can do it in that way that sounds like it’s just a polite conversation, but really, they are just so disrespectful.”
“Yeah, I met them, remember?” Patricia knows my parents of course, since I started seeing her when I was a minor. At one point she was trying to work with us in a family therapy setting to try and address the rift, but they were never engaged in the process, and I know that irked her. “Okay, so then what was your response?”
“It was a first Patricia; I think I had a panic attack this afternoon. It was like I was stuck in the moment; I struggled to find my words…I just froze. I was shaking, sweating, heart pounding, it was awful. And the worst part of it all was that Marcy was right there to see it.” Patricia nods along with my explanations, allowing me a moment to continue. “It embarrassed me that I was so vulnerable in front of her.”
“Why do you think that embarrassed you?”
“You know why.”
“Say it, please. Clearly you need to hear yourself process these thoughts and emotions out loud.” I groan, because I know she is right.
“I don’t want her to think I am weak or defective in the way that my parents do. I fear she will reject me like they have, and we will never have a chance.” I struggle to make eye contact with Patricia through the camera. The back of my eyes stinging from me trying to hold back the emotion that is now palpable under my skin.
“Nicholas, it’s that fear. That’s what caused your panic attack.”
“Yeah.” I slump back against the headboard. “I think you are right.”
“Obviously, I am.” She now has some sort of sports drink. “How did Marcy react to your panic attack?”
“She was annoyingly kind, and helpful. Truly, I wouldn’t have calmed down nearly as quickly without her there.” I explain to Patricia as she is again giving me a knowing smile. “She is a social worker though, and that makes me worry that she sees me as one of her patients now, instead of how I want her to see me.”
“Which is how?”
“I want her to see me as strong, and capable, and someone she can rely on. She doesn’t have a great track record of people like that in her life, and I want to show her I can be there for her.”
“Is this the girl you emailed me about? The one I said whose feelings needed to be validated?” Are those fucking Goldfish Crackers in Patricia’s hand?
“Yeah, same woman.” I confirm.
“So, what I hear you saying is that you want to be the strong and supportive partner to this woman, but that you don’t want that in return?”
“No…that’s…not…”
“Well, that’s what it sounds like. She was there for you, at the very least as a friend should be. It doesn’t sound like she was pushing you away.” I retraced the afternoon in my mind.
No, Marcy hadn’t pushed me away at all. She was just…there for me. “Okay so you’re right, I want it to be a two-way street.”
“There ya go. This relationship will be about give and take. I’m guessing that fear cropped up because you haven’t been afraid of losing someone like you are with this girl. Sorry, woman.” It makes sense. I love Patricia. She’s eating a jar of frosting.
“My fear has come out a little aggressive too, now that I am thinking about it. I had a meeting with Marcy and her superior and he was a dick, so snapped at him a bit.”
“What did that look like?”
“I kind of told him to shut up and let her speak.”
“And how are you feeling about that interaction today?”
“I don’t like that Marcy saw that side of me, but I don’t feel bad about barking at the guy, he deserved it.” That was the truth.
